Why “Just-Be-Yourself” Doesn’t Get You Anywhere With Men/Women
Posted: Friday, April 27, 2007
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
The philosophy behind "Just Be Yourself" is that if you just be yourself people will naturally be attracted to you, naturally love you for who you are and naturally want to be with you and that you do not have to do anything out of “character" to attract or be loved.
The irony is that many frustrated, lonely and depressed singles have spent pretty much all of their lives "just being themselves" and gotten nowhere at all with the opposite sex.
On a surface level, your whole agenda is to BE and DO only what is natural to who you honestly believe yourself to be. But on a deeper level, you’ve got your own little filters through which you interact with the world around you. You have all these little computer-like programs that have pretty well programmed you to be for example, self-centered and selfish (thinking of just yourself), aggressive, defensive and passive (insecure), stick to a well programmed set of ruled and norms (be boring), uptight and sexually repressed etc. It’s true that you are “just being yourself" and just being the “real you" but this is the faultily programmed you.
If you really want to become naturally attractive (BE you) and effortlessly attract (DO you), then be prepared to be honest with yourself and put in some serious effort into becoming the very BEST YOU; an improved, happier and self-fulfilled you.
The common approach practiced by many men and women (and taught by many dating and relationship experts) is decide on the kind of person they want to attract (remember those “want in a perfect partner" lists) and then they try to figure out how to get him/her. They read books, magazine and internet articles and even attend seminars and workshops on How-To-Attract. They learn (and implement) a few simple "techniques" on how to best present themselves to the opposite sex (put on their best dress/shirt, give their best smile, deliver their best pick-up line or flirtatious moves, do all the romantic stuff and say nice things like “yes, honey" or “please, baby" or “thank you, love" etc) but whatever is inside (insecurity, doubts, anger, shame, sense of inadequacy or low self-worth), every now and then pops up like unwanted ads on a computer screen.
And when this happens there is a “DISCONNECT" in who you are honestly trying to be" (on the surface) and “who you really feel you are" (on a deeper level). You (and the other person) may not realize the exact moment the “disconnect" begins to happen but some how the other person starts to withdraw or simply cuts bail and runs, and you are left wondering “where the hell did I go wrong this time, I was just being myself with him/her?". You conclude that the problem must be with him/her and move on to the next person, only for the same thing to happen again, and again, and again...
Millions of single men and women out there are putting their 'best' foot forward but really stepping on their own feet. They are playing by all the "rules" (when to call after a date, best conversation starters, playing hard to get, things not to say or do and stuff like that) and practicing the best communication skills but find themselves stressed out, sad, discouraged and frustrated because the results aren't what they expect.
If you really want to begin attracting a special man or woman into your life with very little conscious effort, you have to ATTRACT that person by BECOMING him/her. You have to re-program your Hard Drive and Install new programs that work for you rather than against you. Sometimes trying to do this on your own can be hard because much of your default programming (beliefs, habits and attitudes) is so much part of you that you do not even recognize there is something “wrong" with it. That is why some people seek outside help from an expert.
Once you’ve allowed your inner and outer magnificence to shine with all honesty and authenticity, begin getting ideas for how to present that very BEST YOU to the world. Presenting the BEST YOU is about giving yourself every possible advantage while remaining true to your values and vision for a fulfilling life. Some people require a detailed step-by-step plan to get moving. Others only need the general idea, and they’re off and running.
Do yourself a big favor; don’t listen to people who say “just be yourself and someone will come along and you’ll live happily ever after". Chances are people who tell you this are single and lonely themselves, or miserable in their relationships and marriages because they are playing “just be yourself".
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.
Christine's websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com and http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Christine, occasionally, I'll participate in a Forum on the net. A man posted he was "shy and stupid" and had difficulty attracting women. When he did get one to talk to him, he stated he'd blurt out something really stupid or became too confused trying to impress her. The majority of the advice given him was "Just Be Yourself!" Your article confirms what I said to him. I'm thinking, if who you are isn't working, then you have to change some things about yourself. If a man in his 40's thinks he's stupid; he has to be projecting a stupid demeanor to others, including prospects. The man had a picture posted and was Ooo so handsome, on the outside. I suggested he repeat [positive] affirmations so that he would lose all negative thoughts about himself. Not sure if that was best advice but it was better than doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. (I heard that was insanity!) I am not a relationship counselor or dating Coach. It just seemed logical to me that if just being yourself isn't working, something about self has to change. Not necessarily core values, morals etc. but whatever it is that's not making me successful. Another great article. I enjoy reading your work. It's interesting to confirm how connected we all are [no matter where we live] and have essentially the same issues, concerns and problems; including dating ones. Fortunately, I'm happily single and not looking. I allow the Lord to give me the desires of my heart and a mate's not one of them. [laughing] I trust Him, implicitly. Enjoy the weekend and His blessings, Christine!Please log in to respond to this comment.What you said to him is exactly what any relationship counsellor or coach would have said. You were right on the mark. Most people keep on doing what isn't working because they really do not believe they can do any better. One of my favourite quotes is: A person who wants something will find a way; the one who doesn't will find an excuse. I like happily single and not looking-:). There is an old saying that a flower that is full of nectar does not have to look for honeybees to pollinate it. When it’s ready to be pollinated it simply opens up to reveal its blossom. The bees will be naturally drawn to the flower so long as it has nectar. Once they find the flower, they will also be very careful not to destroy it.Please log in to respond to this comment.
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