Bad Relationship Patterns - Moving From Stuck To Insight
Posted: Saturday, May 05, 2007
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
When people come to me to work on breaking their pattern of bad relationships they are usually still angry and resentful towards the person they just broke up with – and they have so many not-so-nice things to say about the other jerks, losers and bitches who broke their hearts.
Many of them don’t like it when I tell them “You are not a victim, you were a willing participant".
You see, in negative bonding patterns there are no victims since everyone is playing their well rehashed role. Each partner seeks out the other to engage in this dance of self-destruction. It’s like your radar goes….whhhhzzz…..zap! This is the one.
Part of breaking free of this pattern is seeing the people you attract for who they really are and embracing (not forgiving which indicates something being right or wrong) their role in drawing you to the opportunity to learn what you need/needed to learn.
When you can move away from blaming (which is just another way of you distracting yourself from what you are really feeling deep inside - lonely, insecure, unaccepted, unappreciated etc), and gain deeper insights to how you chose the people who bring more of what you don't want into your life, you are more able to choose better – next time round.
Here is a good exercise to help you shift from blaming and anger to insight and embracing.
Ask yourself these questions and answer them with an open mind. It’s only by being honest with yourself that you can get to the truth.
1. What is the lesson I need to learn regarding this person/experience?
2. Why have I attracted this person/situation into my life?
3. What is the role they are playing/played to fulfill their own part in the negative bonding contract?
4. What is the aspect of myself that this person is reflecting back to me (this can be showing you something about you that you deny / or don't realize you’re doing, validating a belief or self fulfilling prophecy you have or showing you a quality you have to develop)?
5. What is the gift this person(s) is giving me by playing his/her role (the gift is the lesson(s) learned)?
6. Can I accept the role and actions the other person has played in helping me to learn this lesson? How do I do that or how am I doing that?
7. Can I allow myself to let go of any anger towards the other person playing the role that has helped me learn this lesson? How do I do that or how am I doing that?
Keep in mind that "allowing" has nothing to do with reaching out, advising or helping him/her. This is about allowing the other person follow their chosen path and discover on their own the consequences of their choices.
Go over your answers with a very close confidant. It helps (it's necessary) to talk to another person with more objective input. However, chose your confidants carefully, the other person's own "issues" may interfere with the whole process. He/she may start injecting his/her own pain from his/her own experiences into the situation instead of helping you through yours.
Whatever you do, don’t remain locked in blaming and feeling like a victim. The endless thoughts that you spin around your pain and hurt, and the energy you pour into complaining and other misdirected activities dulls your awareness of your own choices, robbing you of opportunities to gain deeper insight and choose better partners.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.
Christine's websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com and http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
Many of them don’t like it when I tell them “You are not a victim, you were a willing participant".
Part of breaking free of this pattern is seeing the people you attract for who they really are and embracing (not forgiving which indicates something being right or wrong) their role in drawing you to the opportunity to learn what you need/needed to learn.
When you can move away from blaming (which is just another way of you distracting yourself from what you are really feeling deep inside - lonely, insecure, unaccepted, unappreciated etc), and gain deeper insights to how you chose the people who bring more of what you don't want into your life, you are more able to choose better – next time round.
Here is a good exercise to help you shift from blaming and anger to insight and embracing.
Ask yourself these questions and answer them with an open mind. It’s only by being honest with yourself that you can get to the truth.
1. What is the lesson I need to learn regarding this person/experience?
2. Why have I attracted this person/situation into my life?
3. What is the role they are playing/played to fulfill their own part in the negative bonding contract?
4. What is the aspect of myself that this person is reflecting back to me (this can be showing you something about you that you deny / or don't realize you’re doing, validating a belief or self fulfilling prophecy you have or showing you a quality you have to develop)?
5. What is the gift this person(s) is giving me by playing his/her role (the gift is the lesson(s) learned)?
6. Can I accept the role and actions the other person has played in helping me to learn this lesson? How do I do that or how am I doing that?
7. Can I allow myself to let go of any anger towards the other person playing the role that has helped me learn this lesson? How do I do that or how am I doing that?
Keep in mind that "allowing" has nothing to do with reaching out, advising or helping him/her. This is about allowing the other person follow their chosen path and discover on their own the consequences of their choices.
Go over your answers with a very close confidant. It helps (it's necessary) to talk to another person with more objective input. However, chose your confidants carefully, the other person's own "issues" may interfere with the whole process. He/she may start injecting his/her own pain from his/her own experiences into the situation instead of helping you through yours.
Whatever you do, don’t remain locked in blaming and feeling like a victim. The endless thoughts that you spin around your pain and hurt, and the energy you pour into complaining and other misdirected activities dulls your awareness of your own choices, robbing you of opportunities to gain deeper insight and choose better partners.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.
Christine's websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com and http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
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