Breaking Up - Is It Better To Completely Severe Ties Or Try To Be Friends?
Posted: Tuesday, May 29, 2007
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
Whilst breaking up is hard for everyone regardless of whether you've been going out for one week, one month or one year, how each person chooses to move on after the break up is different. Personally, I do not think there is one best decision that works for everyone and I’ve seen one decision that worked for one person completely fall flat on the face for another.
Let’s look at some of the pros and cons of each of the FOUR possible decisions:
1. Completely severe ties
There are many reasons why people no longer want to keep contact. These can range from the break up being too painful to anger about the break-up, from trying to suppress feeling of love that still linger to fearing that an ex may interfere with a new relationship. If you (or the other person) want to completely severer ties, that's your right. The upside of this decision is that sometimes you need a clean slate on which to begin a new relationship - no ex-baggage. The down side is that you may cutting yourself off from the one person who really knows you and can be a strong support system (true friends are few and far between) when you need a shoulder to lean on – especially before you meet someone new.
2. Stay friends spend a lot of time together, hug, and accidentally, from time to time, kiss
Some people decide to stay friends because they enjoy each others company and especially if they’ve really become very close and have intricately interwoven lifestyles. The plus side of this decision is that although you’ve broken up, you can still enjoy all the benefits of a relationship. You don’t have to feel lonely or get a groin work out from strangers (with all the risks). The flaw with this decision is that one or both parties are setting themselves up for another heart break when one person finally does move on or meets someone new. The person who feels left behind will not only feel re-betrayed but may actually try to guilt trip the other forcing him or her to end the friendship altogether.
3. Stay friends but spend less time together and avoid the “sex" part
This appears like the better decision. It’s usually the sex part gets things a little complicated. If the two of you can keep hands of each other, then that is prove that the relationship was not only based on sex but true friendship which can sometimes last a lifetime. The down side of this decision is that, it can be hard to tell if someone is keeping you around because they don’t want someone else to have you. If you are not careful, you can stay in this limbo for the rest of your life.
4. Completely severe ties then try and pick up the friendship pieces later
This may be the best decision for a majority of people. When you truly believe you've got over the pain of him or her breaking up with you and can see him or her without getting upset or be tempted to make him or her realize what they are missing, you may want to meet up and renew a friendship.
You may find that they’ve met someone new and are happy but you are good with that. Whether you can be friends or not depends on the new man or woman in his or her life. Some people prefer that their partners have no contact with an ex, and some others don’t mind. And you really think of your ex as your friend, you should be happy with whatever is best for him or her and his or her new partner.
On the other hand, you may find that he or she is still single and out and dating again, there is little harm in assessing the competition. Second chances do come around once in a while and you may be better prepared this time round.
Bottom line, if you can remember the love you experienced within the relationship and uphold it, you will come through feeling less bitter, hence healing faster and more ready for a new relationship. You may even have a friend for life! That’s the way LOVE goes.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.
Christine's websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com and http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
1. Completely severe ties
There are many reasons why people no longer want to keep contact. These can range from the break up being too painful to anger about the break-up, from trying to suppress feeling of love that still linger to fearing that an ex may interfere with a new relationship. If you (or the other person) want to completely severer ties, that's your right. The upside of this decision is that sometimes you need a clean slate on which to begin a new relationship - no ex-baggage. The down side is that you may cutting yourself off from the one person who really knows you and can be a strong support system (true friends are few and far between) when you need a shoulder to lean on – especially before you meet someone new.
2. Stay friends spend a lot of time together, hug, and accidentally, from time to time, kiss
Some people decide to stay friends because they enjoy each others company and especially if they’ve really become very close and have intricately interwoven lifestyles. The plus side of this decision is that although you’ve broken up, you can still enjoy all the benefits of a relationship. You don’t have to feel lonely or get a groin work out from strangers (with all the risks). The flaw with this decision is that one or both parties are setting themselves up for another heart break when one person finally does move on or meets someone new. The person who feels left behind will not only feel re-betrayed but may actually try to guilt trip the other forcing him or her to end the friendship altogether.
3. Stay friends but spend less time together and avoid the “sex" part
This appears like the better decision. It’s usually the sex part gets things a little complicated. If the two of you can keep hands of each other, then that is prove that the relationship was not only based on sex but true friendship which can sometimes last a lifetime. The down side of this decision is that, it can be hard to tell if someone is keeping you around because they don’t want someone else to have you. If you are not careful, you can stay in this limbo for the rest of your life.
4. Completely severe ties then try and pick up the friendship pieces later
This may be the best decision for a majority of people. When you truly believe you've got over the pain of him or her breaking up with you and can see him or her without getting upset or be tempted to make him or her realize what they are missing, you may want to meet up and renew a friendship.
You may find that they’ve met someone new and are happy but you are good with that. Whether you can be friends or not depends on the new man or woman in his or her life. Some people prefer that their partners have no contact with an ex, and some others don’t mind. And you really think of your ex as your friend, you should be happy with whatever is best for him or her and his or her new partner.
On the other hand, you may find that he or she is still single and out and dating again, there is little harm in assessing the competition. Second chances do come around once in a while and you may be better prepared this time round.
Bottom line, if you can remember the love you experienced within the relationship and uphold it, you will come through feeling less bitter, hence healing faster and more ready for a new relationship. You may even have a friend for life! That’s the way LOVE goes.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.
Christine's websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com and http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)hi christine, how in the heck I ended up on this article, when i am going through a divorce, and a break up with a childhood sweetheart, is uncanny, but then again, there are no coincidences. for me, once the break up happens, it has to be split city. my partner and i went out from 12 until 19, split, i went through hell, we reunited after 23 years, and are now at an empasse in our relationship, that only time will tell what will happen. but if it's splitsville, i want him as far away as possible, because love still sits in the soul, but the like is no longer there. it can be rekindled by the love, but if it doesn't, i want him far, far away! i loved your story, thanks, best regards, sue thomPlease log in to respond to this comment.Susan, I don't know the reasons for your decision to keep him far, far away. Everyone of us makes soul decisions according to where we are in this journey. May be that is the right thing for you to do right now. The important thing is that your decison brings more love into your life and not distances you from it. All the best, through this tough time. The human spirit is stronger than what we give it credit for... you'll come through. Sending you much love...Please log in to respond to this comment.
Christine, One of the best decisions I made after a breakup was to go back to being friends. While the journey back was painful, it allowed she and I to get back to being supportive of one another and even to encourage one another as each of us pursued different relationships. For us, it was the right thing to do. Thanks for another great article!Please log in to respond to this comment.Joseph, once gain thanks for the support. It's hard to get there but once we do, we realize just how blessed we are to have the support of someone who not only knows us when we are physically naked but also emotionally naked (break ups do strip us down to the naked emotional and vulnerable person inside). When we can be this naked and not ashamed (or bitter), it's a boost to our spiritual development. I am happy for you and pray for you as you continue through this journey of enlightnement. I am on it too, everyday brings with it new glimpses of WHO and WHAT love is all about...:-).Please log in to respond to this comment.
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