How Quickly Do Men Fall In Love?
Posted: Tuesday, June 12, 2007
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
The most asked question by women of all ages is: “Is he in love with me?" I have a different take on what is “love’ and what is not, but for the sake of answering this question, I’ll use the word “love" to mean romantic attraction and sexual chemistry.
Romantic attraction and sexual chemistry happens for a majority of men in three stages and in real life, this can be a little bit confusing for us women because romantic attraction and sexual chemistry happens for most of us in two stages: first when we meet him and decide he deserves a chance to try to “make us fall in love" and secondly, when we have collected enough evidence (what he did and what he failed to do) for falling in love with him.
1. The first stage of "falling in love" for a man is instant: fast and furious
Unknown to a majority of women, men fall in love at first sight even more frequently than do women. Research shows that within the first fifteen seconds, a woman will have decided (sub-consciously) if she will give a guy a chance to try to “make her fall in love’ or not. In the same amount of time, a man will have decided if he is “turned’ on by how a woman looks or not.
Yes, I know, I know, this is not fair. But despite our lofty notions of “appreciate human beings for their character rather than for their looks", nature has programmed our brains (more programming on men’s brains) to select out and respond to stimuli as sexually compelling or repelling simply based on good reproductive sense - who is best suited to carry on our gene, and legacy.
While women use visual, emotional and safety (including financial) cues to assess a man’s desirability, over 90% of a man’s decision at this stage is purely based on visual cues. When his eyes lock on to a woman for the first time, they lock on to her visual presentation. Whatever he recognize as “suited to carry on his gene, and legacy", that’s what he focuses on, admiring and lingering on its details. Some men get super glued on boobs, others on booties and others on legs etc. Physical features and bouncy behavior that suggests youth, health and vitality place one woman ahead of all the other pack. And if you are attentive and not trying to delude yourself or force a relationship to happen, you will know when a man is visually attracted to you. HE WILL TELL YOU - in very specific verbs and he simply can’t take his eyes off you!
Keep in mind that at this first stage, it’s just pure sexual chemistry. At this stage you are still dispensable and interchangeable. You’re still just another woman in the pack, and he is still very much attracted to several other women at the same time. But just because this stage is very much based on “animal" instinct does not mean it is not very important. How physically attractive a man finds you determines how much time he’ll want to spend with you, and later in the relationship "looks' confirm to him again and again why he finds you attractive. If a man is not physically attracted to you, trying to make him “fall in love" with you is like trying to wake up a dead horse - you see and believe what you want to see and believe.
2. The second stage of "falling in love" for a man is when he begins to see you as unique and special
He may still be visually attracted to other women and you may be the woman with the “less than perfect" body but there is just “something about you" - and it is driving him nuts. It can be the way you talk or the way you laugh or the way you think or your enthusiasm and passion, or whatever it is you do that makes him think you must feel more deeply and experience life more profoundly and therefore you must be more delightful to be with. He feels more energized just by being around you which in turn makes him feel good about himself and about life in general.
At this stage, like his counterparts in the animal kingdom, he begins to mark his territory. He pays more attention to your needs, spends more time with you and is over protective when other men try to make a move on “his woman". In other words, if you are with a guy who still wants to keep it “an open" relationship and does not mind you dating other guys, then he still has not reached this stage of attraction. He (and you) are pretty much still up for grabs.
Are there things you can do to intensify attraction in order to speed up the process? Yes. There are many things you can do, and discussing them requires me to write another article. The bottom line is, the more positive (happy, deep, and moving) and less negative (painful, stress-full, dull, and "full of yourself") experiences he shares with you, the more likely he is to look at the future with good feelings about you.
3. The third stage of "falling in love" for a man is when he has convinced himself that he is a happier and more fulfilled person with you in his life than when by himself
He feels he is with the right woman at the right time, and at this stage, you will not even be asking the question “Is he in love with me?" because you will know. He will have NO problem declaring to you how he really feels. He might not always use the words, "I love you," but he manages to get his point across. He is strongly attracted to you to want to start the breeding process or if he is past "breeding", he is attracted to you enough to want to “settle down". Keep in mind that in this age and time "settle down" does not necessarily mean marriage to all people but it simply means "I AM WITH THE ONE" (which is the title of my upcoming book). This feeling of "I AM WITH THE ONE" is not the same thing as when he feels he “needs’ you (see my article: How Do You Know If He or She Loves You Or Just Needs You?).
You will do yourself great favour if right now, here and today, you decide to exercise your power of choice to have what you want and to stop wasting time, emotions and energy on going-no-where relationships.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.
http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
http://www.playinghardtogettheloveway.com
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More commentsI have met a guy 4 to 5 months ago now everything was going good then I asked if his options were opened or closed in which he would not answer this panicked me so I stupidly would bring up little things about marriage which he would as well sometimes anyway. he did say if I kept taking about marriage it would push him away. but way is it when he brought up the subject that was ok. he said recently that he just wants to be friends and that I pushed him away because I spoke about marriage. I am really sad is it too late for us both? we were so compatible in everway.Please log in to respond to this comment.
I have met a guy 4 to 5 months ago now everything was going good then I asked if his options were opened or closed in which he would not answer this panicked me so I stupidly would bring up little things about marriage which he would as well sometimes anyway. he did say if I kept taking about marriage it would push him away. but way is it when he brought up the subject that was ok. he said recently that he just wants to be friends and that I pushed him away because I spoke about marriage. I am really sad is it too late for us both? we were so compatible in everway.Please log in to respond to this comment.
And then theres the beer goggle effect, when both parties are well enebriated and she asks "are ya in, love"Please log in to respond to this comment.
Christine,How do you feel these stages are moved through when it involves online dating. Say the couple don't meet...but you've exchanged pics, talked via IM or texts....do you think the same stages work? Or does there have to be an actual meeting for the stages to begin?Please log in to respond to this comment.
What if he says on the first date that he fell in love with you at first sight, and knows that you are going to marry him? Is this love, or just a way to make you think he loves you? What if he tells you subsequently that you will be Mrs.X that it was meant to be? And, what if this scares you into showing your worst qualities because what they are saying so quickly sounds unreal? Can a man fake Locking eyes with you and stumbling on his words? What if you felt the JOLT when you locked eyes, is this a true sign of connection? How do you know if he has truly fallen in love with you? What if everything seems too good to be true?Please log in to respond to this comment.Then it probably is 'too good to be true'. You need to give it some time and see if he truly loves you. Now I know it has been a year since you wrote this comment haha, are you still with him? :)Please log in to respond to this comment.
Excellant! I think that the article did put into perspective what I felt, but I wonder if I can recover if during the third stage I was upset and depressed about something unpleasant in my life, which will be over soon?Please log in to respond to this comment.
Don't forget that some men know that women consider these to be the stages and thus can manipulate womens thoughtsPlease log in to respond to this comment.
Hi, Christine
As a man I can say that you perfectly right. Thought, I find men's stage plainly logical and comprehensible for women I still can not understand the women 's stages.Please log in to respond to this comment.
This is such an excellent article! And you're right, exercising the power of choice will help me save a great deal of emotions and energy.
Thank you! :DPlease log in to respond to this comment.
Hi i have been dateing someone for 5 years we were realy serious the first year but then the x was getting in volved saying that she is still with him it got sorted out and he did tell me that yeh we are still living in the same house and nothing is going on i dont love her in that way so the odd time i would sll see him to tal , sometimes i was thnking to my self what am i doing thigs will never change but the more i seen him i could not stop feeling more for him the love got stronger and in the bedroom got better and better, but now it has been 5 years down the line and he has started saying the last 3 months that he i madly in love with me and that he want me to live with him and and when we are together he looks in my eyes and tells me he loves me ieven stops when we are having??? he says bby i soo love you and want to be with you i think im just still thinking that if i let my gard down with him and stop worrying what friendsare saying and what people think and just give it a chance or is he just saying it coz he knows i want to hear it does anyone understand what bim going through and is it all true what he's telling me thank's,
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