Will Your Ex Come Back Or Contact You Again If You Use No Contact?
Posted: Tuesday, December 18, 2007
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
I have read a lot of articles and even books where people recommend going "No Contact" so that your ex misses you and wants you back. But does going NC really bring your ex back?
Sometimes "absence makes the heart grow fonder" but sometimes "out of sight, out of mind" applies too.
Sure, occasionally, there's a chance that "no contact" may make the other person second-guess their decision to end the relationship because they miss talking to you or doing "stuff" with you. And if you want to teach them a lesson and possibly turn the tables a little bit then "no contact" will piss him or her off enough to contact you and (seemingly) want you back in an attempt to turn back the tables (power-plays), or may be it'll make him or her feel insecure and threatened (essentially manipulating them into it) because like everyone else, being rejected is not a pleasant experience.
But is this the right way to get your ex back?
Personally, I don't think so -- for three strong reasons.
1. If the reason your ex broke up with you in the first place is because you were controlling, clingy, needy, smothering him or her and jealous or overly dependant, you can only pull off a "no contact" strategy until your ex makes just one call or sends you just a single email (seemingly desiring contact) and you are back into an emotional tailspin (crying, begging, pleading, persuading, coarsing, threatening etc) leading to another depressive breakdown. You're better off working on why you are attention seeking, plainly immature, insecure, needy and overly dependant in the first place. The other option is to move on with your life. "No contact" is a really good way of getting over someone.
2. If the reason your ex broke up with you in the first place had to do with your infidelity, lies or secrets, you were not attentive to his or her needs, there was lack of communication etc.), running away to the caves in the pretext of a "no contact' rule is cowardly at best and immature at worst. It just reinforces in his or her mind the reason you are broken up in the first place. Why should he or she make the move to get back someone who cheats, lies, is not attentive to his or her needs, can't communicate, and won't even face up to his or her mistakes and clean up the mess they made?
3. It's not worth the trouble to try and win back someone who only is interested in you because they miss the conversations and good times (and the sex); because they feel insecure and threatened, or because they are lonely and bored, or because of some twisted sense of (illusionary) power. That's a red flag right there.
I realize that power-plays, manipulating and preying on the insecure happens so frequently to the extent that it's almost accepted (and encouraged) in today's dating culture, but I also know that those kinds of comebacks don't stand the test of time.
I know of many men and women who've used ignoring their ex, "acting" really happy, and looking really "hot" to get their ex back. After a few weeks or months the ex will call (because they had a bad day or something) saying their life was miserable and they wanted to give the relationship another try. The manipulation worked, but a few days, weeks or later their ex turns around and says they don't think the relationship is what they really want. Some others after being ignored for a while come back and start flirting like crazy only to shut down and not return phone calls or reply to emails.
So yes, although you may get your ex back, it's only a matter of time before they are gone again. It is a temporary phase. Ask around, almost anyone who got their ex back with "no contact" or "acting aloof" will tell you that they broke up again.
My point here is: the decision to create physical and emotional distance should be based on whether the benefits of temporally cutting off all contact (from a functional standpoint) outweigh the cost of staying connected. If staying in contact is causing you more pain than you can handle it may be to your best interest to remove yourself from someone who is causing you the greatest hurt of your life and the situation that is making you unable to function as well as you should.
This is a decision you make for your own mental and emotional health (I discuss how to implement this without alienating your ex in my e-Book). When you feel independent, confident and desirable again, your ex will be more receptive to you not because you cut off all contact but because you stopped expecting your ex to give you something he or she couldn't give. Instead you took the time to heal, grow and become a whole wonderful caring loving attractive stable secure-in-yourself partner.
If you have a choice in the matter, my advice is stay connected especially if you are already on friendly terms. It makes no sense to jeopardize an existing friendly relationship with your ex for some very risky-slim-chance "no contact" strategy. You'll need that open channel of communication as the entry point for attracting back your ex.
The ideal scenario would be to be 100% sure that your ex came to you because he or she loves you and misses you--the good, the bad and the ugly. If you resonate with what I have written here and are serious about getting back your ex, you might want to check out my e-Book: Dating Your Ex - What You Can Do Tonight, Tomorrow And The Next Day To Get Your Ex Back
About Author: Internationally renowned Dating & Relationships Coach, Christine Akiteng has devoted years of her life re-uniting couples and has seen over and over again first hand what works. She has woven together solid-gold advice on just about every stage of getting back together with your ex to help you make the process less scary and shaky and more exciting and smooth as possible.
Christine's main website: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
e-Book: http://www.datingyourex.com
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More commentssound advice,no matter how old we get we dont master the art of a trouble free relationship.Advice is always welcomed.Please log in to respond to this comment.
Thank you for this article. I'm a little confused because my ex and i still talk every now and then but i feel like he is only keeping me around until he finds someone else to replace my time. i feel used. i want to cut off all contact with him but i'm afraid that will make it easier for him to get over me and move on.Please log in to respond to this comment.I don't have much to add on the use of "No Contact" as this is what the article is about. If you are not convinced by what I have written in the article about cutting off all contact, then nothing else I say will add anything. You might also want to read my articles "8 Simple Rules -- For Contacting Your Ex" and "Does Your Ex Want You Back Or Are You Being Used?" and "If You Stay Away Too Long Will Your Ex Forget You?" ... and a lot more on getting an ex back on my website.Please log in to respond to this comment.What if your ex does not return your calls, told you to leave them alone, said they will no longer even read your texts and they will delete your e mails? I want contact but dont want to cross the line .Please log in to respond to this comment.
truth, truth and nothing but the truth!! my boyfriend[i thought he was] broke-up withme 3yrs.ago and moved in with the women he left me for. I used the no contactrule and after several unanswered texts and his friends checking on me[i let themknow i was doing fine and there is no hate] we meet for lunch. He talked/playedmind games also wanted a kiss,there was no kiss ,i told him kiss the woman helived with and wished him a hart-felt happy life. No contact will bring him back tosee where you are ? and if the right decision was made. Now the choice is mind..Please log in to respond to this comment.
truth, truth and nothing but the truth!! my boyfriend[i thought he was] broke-up withme 3yrs.ago and moved in with the women he left me for. I used the no contactrule and after several unanswered texts and his friends checking on me[i let themknow i was doing fine and there is no hate] we meet for lunch. He talked/playedmind games also wanted a kiss,there was no kiss ,i told him kiss the woman helived with and wished him a hart-felt happy life. No contact will bring him back tosee where you are ? and if the right decision was made. Now the choice is mind..Please log in to respond to this comment.
If my ex and I broke up a ton of times he left the house I kicked him out etc..last thing he said was what r u doing im coming back over is that ok? and i said no..he said fine...well then whyyyyy did he text me after a few days saying just thinking about you and i responded with why r u doing this? and get no response...whats with this game playing?Please log in to respond to this comment.
i have a similar problem only my boyfriend broke up with me after 4 years of a long-distance relationship through out our entire college career. he even lived in Italy for a semester. We spent a month of Winter break together and didn't fight and got along better than we ever have before. After he went back for two weeks, he broke up with me because we are "too different" but no explanations. You don't stay with someone for four years and make it all work if you are "too different". He is available if I need him, calls periodically, and is even open to seeing me if I would ask. We are graduating and possibly moving away. What is your advice on the "no contact" or contact method? I liked the point of there is still hope if he is still my friend which has been what I have been following since the breakup. I still want to be with him and think he is just scared of us finally being together for the first time in a "short-distance" relationship instead of a "long-distance" one. Most people can't survive the distance... I think he might be frightful of being close and at the same time graduating and leaving college. I still respect him for being there but am really disappointed and let down because this is the point we have been trying to reach for so long and I am left wondering What if?!?!? HELP!Please log in to respond to this comment.
I have read several articles on 'how to get your ex back' and yours was worded perfectly. Just be....move on...and what is mean to be will unfold. Exactly.Please log in to respond to this comment.
My ex broke up with me cuz I was a dick to her , it's been eight months since I've talk to her or seen her I realize that I was wrong and I want her back unfortunately though I kinda became a little obsess but Im not like that anymore I don't call her anymore but I did call her the other day to tell her I was sorry I'm pretty sure she deleted it she is keeping me outta sight and outa mind but I love her so much we had a sloppy relationship and well...it could have been better but I was just a kid i was always sad about everything when in reality i had it good she never understood why I was alwYs sad and we would always fight about it which then i became self destructive and started to do drugs and Hangout with friends and chase other girls she would always be there for me when I wanted to talk and well after 4 years of a off and on relationship she got tired of it an left and thats when I realized what I had. I feel like I've grown up ALOT since then but you know... Things still kinda suck more so because she's not with me I find myself to be so happy at times and full of so much confidence but then i quickly bring it down because she's not there.. I want to share my happiness with her cause honestly she never really knew me even after everything we went threw together. I've changed i think and in a good way I go to church and I stop doing drugs I'm working out i have a good job and i feel great about myself and life ! i should be living it up and having fun but none of that could ever replace the happiness that she brought to my life and I want that back ill do anything to be with her again even if that ' means to stAy away for a very long time .help I've been doing everything wrong!!!!Please log in to respond to this comment.
I have to agree 100% with this - You have to break contact for YOU becasue you are that miserable and accept it may never be with him/her, I had just went through this very thing and yes I was very insecure becasue of my past, a terrible terrible past.. and was always honest about that becasue I wanted to get over that, we were never together he was LDR friend for a very long time emails only and would not get to a point of even phone conversation, and it was too much on me to have to cut myself in 1/2 becasue anytime I talked about more between us than online working - even though he said he liked me would back off every single time.
That hadput me in a rut for a very long time not being able to move in any direction in many areas of my life! NOT even for him could I really give him what I wanted ( The real me but he could not see that part of it. ), I had to break it off, and let him know exactly where I stood and what he would need to do, It was the only way 100% honesty, I may never hear from him again but my self esteem was getting damaged, and that was too much of my past loosing my self respect like that for someone, NOBODY should do that to you knowingly or not YOU have to take action, and sometimes love means having to leave then, because if you are only being 1/2 YOU to make them comfortable in a way it is like buying a drunkard more beer.
His fears like my insecurity can only be cured on a personal level - If you aide a fearful person they just stay where they are and nothing moves anyhow, He may have been made to feel uncomfortable by me now, But it's not my job anymore to sacrifice my needs for a mans comfort zone, It takes two to make things work.
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my boyfriend asking for a space or broke up with me because he found someone new. he says he doest feel the same way any more, if we will continue our relation he will be unfair to me, no more sparks and he want to knew if he will going to miss me if we are apart. it's been more than a month now he never contact me and he is busy with the new girl. is there any chance that i could win him back? he is 39 yrs old, I'm 34, the new girl is 29.
please help...Please log in to respond to this comment.
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