Should You Try To Get Your Ex Back Or Move On?
Posted: Sunday, February 17, 2008
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
Getting back together with an ex must be something you've taken time to think about and not just an impulse decision. You need to be sure you're in it for the right reasons, if not you are just setting yourself up for another painful heartbreak -- and you know what that feels like. Do you really want a repeat??
The following questions will help you get really clear about why you are thinking of rekindling an old flame:
Do you miss the person or do you miss what you had with him or her? Oftentimes we feel that we've made a mistake in ending things only because we haven't met someone new -- yet. Thinking of getting back together just to fill the lonely hours until Mr. or Ms. Right comes along will not only keep you from moving on with your life but will limit you from future relationships that may actually be going somewhere.
2. Are you still hurting and think that getting back together will make it better?
The feelings you experience now may just be residual from the desire to let him or her know how much he or she hurt you. If your intentions for getting back are to evoke guilt, demand an apology, vindicate yourself or try to get back with your ex just long enough to hurt them as badly as you've been hurt. Don't waste time just to get that anger out.
Make sure you are in a place where if you feel wronged in any way, you have dealt with your pain or anger, or are willing, able and ready to forgive and let go.
3. Do you only want him or her because you can't have him or her?
Sometimes the other person can look good to us only because they aren't ours anymore. If your ex has met someone else and is happy in the new relationship, he or she will not want to leave that relationship only to break-up with you again later. If your ex is not happy and you become the "excuse" for his or her leaving that relationship, you may find that down the road he or she may turn around and blame you for their breaking up.
You may also find yourself living with doubt and suspicion because of the fear that your ex might return to the other ex. This not only makes you feel insecure but also anxious most of the time. In addition, the other ex may also become a problem in your new relationship.
4. Does your ex really deserve a second chance?
Think seriously about why you are broken up in the first place. There are terrible, conniving, "wish you had never crossed paths with" types of men and women who bring out the worst in others. If your ex brings out the worst and not the best in you, you might want to ask yourself why you'd want to get back into a relationship with someone like that.
Also if your ex left you for another man or woman you might want to be sure that this is not a habit where when things are not as he or she would want, your ex takes the easy way out instead of working on the relationship. Some people are just "lazy" and this is not something you can "cure" however much you try to be everything your ex wants and needs.
Don't ever for any reason – get back with an ex who was physically or verbally abusive. These traits tend to worsen over time and rarely improve.
5. Do you have a reason to believe that things will be different?
Many people after a break-up want to jump back into the same relationship without taking a look at why it failed or working on the problems before giving it another try. There is no point in getting back together after a break up only to break up again. Do not assume that things will be different just because time has passed. If the break-up was something more related to timing, it may be worth re-examining if you are both in a better place in your lives.
6. Have you worked though your own personal issues?
We all carry with us all sorts of sub-conscious beliefs, limiting assumptions, destructive behaviours, insecurities, etc which control how we have relationships. There were many things you should not have done but did not, and may be you felt helpless, or were controlling, pushy, reluctant to commit, jealous etc. If the undercurrent driving these behaviours is not properly dealt with, it will eventually bubble up again and sabotage the relationship once more.
7. What does your family and/or friends think of him or her?
While it is a mistake to play victim and blame your ex for everything that went wrong before and after the break-up, it is equally a mistake to stay under the illusion that your ex is a faultless being and your relationship was perfect. To be objective and realistic, talk to your close friends and relatives or people you know who are in healthy and happy relationships or even discuss these things with a professional. Since they know you and can possibly see things you can't, they get to provide valuable feedback. Listen to what they say, but remember that only your vote matters in the end.
8. Is your ex still available?
Knowing where your ex is at in his or her life will help you gauge whether getting together is even possible. If you haven't been in contact in a long while, you might want to do a little bit of "research" to find out if your ex hasn't yet found someone new with who he or she is genuinely happy and serious about.
Once you have answered these questions, and it still makes sense to contact your ex, go for it. But if after really thinking about these questions and it looks like you're fooling yourself, my advice is put that love to better use.
If you are serious about getting back your ex, you might want to check out my e-Book: Dating Your Ex - What You Can Do Tonight, Tomorrow And The Next Day To Get Your Ex Back
About Author: Internationally renowned Dating & Relationships Coach, Christine Akiteng has devoted years of her life re-uniting couples and has seen over and over again first hand what works. She has woven together solid-gold advice on just about every stage of getting back together with your ex to help you make the process less scary and shaky and more exciting and smooth as possible.
Christine's main website: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
e-Book: http://www.datingyourex.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)Hi Christine, I noticed most of your recent articles are about "Dating your ex or trying to get back with your ex!! Now I'm not a dating coach or want to be, but to my way of thinking you or your readers should build a bridge and get over it. I think life is much sweeter if you can move on and forget the past esspecially if it's been tainted.Please log in to respond to this comment.This is the same argument that many people give saying get over it, move on, there are "many fish in the sea" but years later these same people have not caught even one single fish in that sea. What does it say about someone who can't even catch one single fish in a sea with plenty of fish??Please log in to respond to this comment.LOFL nice one.Please log in to respond to this comment.
my girlfriend and i broke up like three weeks ago and i loved her and i still do. after she said she couldnt do it anymore i sortoff acted wierd ..i didnt say anything bad to her or anyone else i did bad to no one but just acted kind of odd like not talking to anyone and things like that. she didnt like it and got really mad at me for that and i got unhealthy andstuff and she told me i need to eat and stuff. her friends told me she still loves me but right now she has alot going on but by the way i acted she doesnt know if she ever wants you back or not well a couple days ago her friend told me that she wants me to move on? does this mean thati should just move on and not want her back? i tried moving on but cant. so ..a little help here does thismean its done? she doesnt want anything more than friendship from me?Please log in to respond to this comment.
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