Should You Dump A Commitment Phobe? Not Before You Read This
Posted: Wednesday, March 12, 2008
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
Having personally suffered from severe commitment phobia for many years, I know that being in love with someone who is afraid of commitment is not fun at all, but does someone's fear of commitment always have to be the end of a relationship?
In real life, some people are not really meant to be together, and sometimes when you've tried everything humanly possible -- and I mean really tried everything including asking for divine intervention -- and failed, it's smart to know when to walk away.
Walking away does not necessarily mean you will be able to stop loving that person because if you really love someone from your heart and soul you will never stop loving that person. Love is so much bigger than all of us because it's the very fabric by which we are made of. And when you love someone what you are basically doing is getting in touch with what you are made of. Trying to stop love is like trying to get out of your own skin -- good luck with that!
Walking away or "getting over" that person means that you stop expecting him or her to give you what he or she in unable to, is unwilling to, or just doesn't want to. And sometimes that something is commitment.
But I think a lot of people walk away too soon. This is the sad reality of the "modern" world we live in. We think that relationships come in little neat packages with instructions "Add A Little Sex And Live Happily Ever'. Many people don't realize that relationships need time and work. And with all the advice about "too many fish in the sea", walking away seems the coolest thing to do. It shows that you "don't care" and from where this kind of advice comes from, that is supposed to be a good thing. But many years later -- just like the people who gave you the advice -- you are still trying to "catch fish" in that sea. What does it say about you if you can't catch even one fish in a sea with too many fish?
Many more aren't willing to work as hard to make a relationship work as they work hard in their professions or careers. These same people start pushing premature commitment because of their own internal pressures and are quick to conclude it isn't working and walk away.
And then there are some people who try to work things out but go about it the wrong way -- nagging, begging, blaming, guilt tripping, giving ultimatums, playing break-up on and off again games etc. This very same things you do to try to get a "commitment" are the very things that make a commitment phobe even more weary of committing or run like an escaped death-row convict.
So true, being in love with someone who is afraid of commitment is hard, but commitment phobia is not a "terminal illness".
Men and women do get over their fear of commitment. I did. And you probably have heard or know of many men and women who were written off as commitment phobes by the people they were in a relationship with and two months later they have committed to someone else. And the person who dumped the commitment phobe is left confused, angry, jealous, bitter and feeling terribly inadequate -- like something is so wrong with her/him that someone who could never commit to them, had no problems committing to the next person.
Sometimes what a commitment phobe needs is:
-- someone who doesn't automatically assume that it's all a selfish act but understands and appreciates where the fear and anxieties are coming from (fear of losing one's independence, fear of marriage, fear of intimacy, fear of having kids, fear of financial burdens, fear of sharing a home, fear of offending family members, fear of moving to another state or country etc). Understanding and appreciation can help the two of you come to a compromise you can both live with.
-- someone who is emotionally well enough and emotionally secure enough to give some real tough-love; Many commitment phobes have been through so many relationships and know exactly how the script plays out. Having a game-changer who will not play by the script can sometimes be the "shock therapy" a commitment phobe really needs.
-- someone who is committed to really helping the commitment phobe get to that place where he or she feels "safe" enough to come out of their hiding place. Commitment phobia, like all fear, is really a wall to hide behind. And seeing that there is really nothing to fear is a great relief to a commitment phobe.
So before you walk away, make sure that you've earned your way out -- that is given it everything you got and more. That way you don't look back with regret because you dumped someone you still love and a few months later he or she commits to someone else.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author offering men and women practical tools and advice on how to make themselves attractive by using natural instinct, common sense and self-knowledge!
Christines websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
http://www.playinghardtogettheloveway.com
In real life, some people are not really meant to be together, and sometimes when you've tried everything humanly possible -- and I mean really tried everything including asking for divine intervention -- and failed, it's smart to know when to walk away.
Walking away or "getting over" that person means that you stop expecting him or her to give you what he or she in unable to, is unwilling to, or just doesn't want to. And sometimes that something is commitment.
But I think a lot of people walk away too soon. This is the sad reality of the "modern" world we live in. We think that relationships come in little neat packages with instructions "Add A Little Sex And Live Happily Ever'. Many people don't realize that relationships need time and work. And with all the advice about "too many fish in the sea", walking away seems the coolest thing to do. It shows that you "don't care" and from where this kind of advice comes from, that is supposed to be a good thing. But many years later -- just like the people who gave you the advice -- you are still trying to "catch fish" in that sea. What does it say about you if you can't catch even one fish in a sea with too many fish?
Many more aren't willing to work as hard to make a relationship work as they work hard in their professions or careers. These same people start pushing premature commitment because of their own internal pressures and are quick to conclude it isn't working and walk away.
And then there are some people who try to work things out but go about it the wrong way -- nagging, begging, blaming, guilt tripping, giving ultimatums, playing break-up on and off again games etc. This very same things you do to try to get a "commitment" are the very things that make a commitment phobe even more weary of committing or run like an escaped death-row convict.
So true, being in love with someone who is afraid of commitment is hard, but commitment phobia is not a "terminal illness".
Men and women do get over their fear of commitment. I did. And you probably have heard or know of many men and women who were written off as commitment phobes by the people they were in a relationship with and two months later they have committed to someone else. And the person who dumped the commitment phobe is left confused, angry, jealous, bitter and feeling terribly inadequate -- like something is so wrong with her/him that someone who could never commit to them, had no problems committing to the next person.
Sometimes what a commitment phobe needs is:
-- someone who doesn't automatically assume that it's all a selfish act but understands and appreciates where the fear and anxieties are coming from (fear of losing one's independence, fear of marriage, fear of intimacy, fear of having kids, fear of financial burdens, fear of sharing a home, fear of offending family members, fear of moving to another state or country etc). Understanding and appreciation can help the two of you come to a compromise you can both live with.
-- someone who is emotionally well enough and emotionally secure enough to give some real tough-love; Many commitment phobes have been through so many relationships and know exactly how the script plays out. Having a game-changer who will not play by the script can sometimes be the "shock therapy" a commitment phobe really needs.
-- someone who is committed to really helping the commitment phobe get to that place where he or she feels "safe" enough to come out of their hiding place. Commitment phobia, like all fear, is really a wall to hide behind. And seeing that there is really nothing to fear is a great relief to a commitment phobe.
So before you walk away, make sure that you've earned your way out -- that is given it everything you got and more. That way you don't look back with regret because you dumped someone you still love and a few months later he or she commits to someone else.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author offering men and women practical tools and advice on how to make themselves attractive by using natural instinct, common sense and self-knowledge!
Christines websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
http://www.playinghardtogettheloveway.com
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More commentsWhat an excellent article. This is the closest I have come to understanding why I do what I do and why my boyfriend does what he does. He is a severe commitment phobe. We have danced this CP dance for 6 years. We started out as friends, got romantically involved and became best friends along the way. He doesn't have another girlfriend (he did in the beginning), he is just horribly scarred by his parents' relationship growing up (and still is now). He has always maintained that he wanted to "go slow" all along. He tells me how he feels inside scares him and he doesn't like that. He has never led me on telling me he would change, he just says he is trying and its not getting better.It suited me because I had been married before, no one I knew was happily married, etc etc. and I have a touch of CP myself. I was in it to be happy, not just to be able to check off marriage and baby off the list. So slow worked for us until we started realizing that we really could love each other and then all our issues really got in the way. I found that I loved him more than my issues and was able to get through alot of them. Sort of, I see now.However, he was not able to get close to anyone until I came along so he controlled things down to a slow crawl/halt speed because he was way out of his comfort zone. When he would slow things down it made me mad, scared me, confused me etc etc. If we couldn't get back into his comfort zone, he would shut down, so I had no choice but to walk away but I never "left". He did his annual shut down over the holidays. I clearly walked away at the beginning of this year and was miserable because it was the truest "leave" I had done yet. It did make him realize and vocalize he needs help to keep from losing someone he cares about because he never cared enough about anyone before me and didn't know what to do. He contacted me again and organized our first vacation together. Of course I came back, I was getting what I wanted. He did a big push to keep me. (Funny reading that, very telling phrase....)We had a great time until Valentines Day and then he shut down, completely distanced himself and left me wondering what did it this time.Now that I have time on my hands, I have been reading stuff on line and came across your perspective. I realized I needed help too. It is him and his issues that is the main problem and while I have committed to helping him and being a friend by taking him back, I realize I have not been the best thing for him by doing that. He sees that he hurts me by not being able to truly attach himself to me and hurting me that is the last thing he wants, it triggers his fears and spins like that until he breaks off.To me, he clearly has a fear of relationships, of opening up, of facing his issues from childhood, specifically inflicting emotional pain. I dont think he has tried or found anyone who has tried to help him face all this, in a package that works on other levels too. So being mad at him because he can't commit would be like getting mad at the dog for not being able to drive a car. He has been telling me all along he is only a sled dog and pulling a sled is all he can do. And I see that now. I can actually now see how much progress we have both made, which is ironic, since we are much better off but we are at the stage now that he will not talk to me (keeping the maximum distance). I can see now that there is a good chance that he could get through his issues and discover that while I got him to a point he felt safe enough to try, that we may never "make it" as a couple (as long as I expect him to drive a car haha). I have been struggling with that badly until I read this and realize I have gone above and beyond, I haven't failed him, I just am not what he needs (he needs professional help and is seeking it, FINALLY). I will be if it plays out that way, but right now I am making things worse making him do something he isn't equipped to and that makes him feel terrible. So thank you for giving me a good reason to give him his distance without feeling like I am letting him down or giving up.Please log in to respond to this comment.
I have loved my CP for 7 years and for 7 years he's pulled me and pushed me away. He realizes his problem, but how do I help him? Is there a book you'd recommend he read to help him deal with this? I'm not giving up on him because, well, like you said, it'd be like trying to come out of my skin. Thanks!Please log in to respond to this comment.
I really like the way you put things. I am crazy about a c.phobe. He has made some great strides in the 9 mon ths we have dated but is not there just yet. I refuse to give up on him cause he is a wonderful man and we are so very compatible or should I say have so much in common. I hate the silent spells but I also understand them he has talked to me about his issues with closeness so now I feel better about things and know it isn't me but him. I am just going to take it a day at a time and hope he makes it all the way to me one day.Please log in to respond to this comment.
I have been with a commitment phobe for four years and I haven't given up yet. But how long is too long?I have tried absolutely every strategy to make this work for us and it is very hard and can be extremely stressful. But I truly do love him and I persist. The only method that works is that I act as aloof, carefree and uncommited as him. Things work fine that way and he is happy. But I am not happy, I would like to move forward at some point in our relationship. We don't even live together still. And if I try to speak to him about anything to do with that or any other aspect to do with our relationship he closes off and says he doesn't know and he has to think about it and can we talk about it another time. So I don't bring any of that up. But I am not happy. I am not getting anything out of this relationship, even though he is content as he can keep his distance and have his freedom.And I have left before quite a few times. But a few weeks down the track he is back claiming he misses me uncontrollably. But he still won't commit. But because I miss him too and so much want to be with him I find myself back down the same path, trying to deal with this severe case commitment phobe taking each day at a time. And I am not even demanding what-so-ever. I would have to be one of the most easy going girlfriends in existence. But I still can't get anywhere with him.So I guess I wonder am I wasting my time? Is it time that I move on from this. I really don't think it would mean 'giving up' as I have tried every avenue and the only one that works is very unsatisfying for me. I have a constant fear that the tiniest move I make will close him off again. Can I really live with that? Should me or anyone else really have to live with that?And he knows he does this but says he doesn't want to change, he likes being that way. So if he blatantly tells me this to my face then shouldn't I be off meeting someone else who will not put me through this emotionally heartache every day?So why do I stay? and why do I allow myself to feel like I'm not good enough and bad at relationships and that it's my fault and it is me that is pushing him away if I know and even he knows, that it is him. And how long should I have to go through this before 'walking away' is not giving up?I wish I could go but I can't shake my last piece of hope. I just keep hoping and believing that one day, some day, many moons away, this will be over and we will be happy together forever. Cause it scares the hell out of me to think that if I go he might end up changing and another woman will have the man I love and the best of him too.Please log in to respond to this comment.
Oh sorry and also, thank you for the great article Ms Akiteng. I have researched extensively on commitment phobia but rarely have I had the opportunity to understand what it's like to be one, as my partner is not good with explaining feelings regarding this. It's really helpful to know how a commitment phobe thinks and feels. Cause if I can understand that then I can understand the actions that come from it.Please log in to respond to this comment.
I have been struggling with my partner who I have loved unconditionally my whole life. I met him when I was 13 and had an incredible friendship with him. We started dating a year later and dated on and off for many years. Everytime it got "serious" or he saw himself falling deeply in love, he would break up with me. After college I gave up and moved on. I finally married some else and had two children. My marriage lasted 9 years. During my marriage I couldn't seem to forget my ex, I was unable to extinguish the love I had for him. 2 years before my divorce we bumped into eachother and became friends. As I was going through my separation with my husband I started to develop feelings for my ex and him for me. And again when he saw himself falling he thought we shouldn't deal with eachother anymore. A year after my divorce, we started seeing eachother again and have been seeing eachother for 9 months. We have a great connection and I know deep down inside he loves me but is so afraid to show it. I always get the feeling though that he has one foot in and one foot out. After reading many articles on CP, I really believe he fits the bill. I love him very much and have for 16 years. I don't want to give up on him but don't know how to help him either. Last month he broke up with me because he couldn't handle being with someone with kids and an ex. I understood that and left him alone. Two weeks later he comes back professing that he doesn't want to be without me and will have to learn how to adjust to this lifestyle. I believe he wants to be with me and believe that he will try but I know his commitment issues are going to get in the way. I want to help him and don't know how. I haven't brought my children around him for this reason. I don't want to bring them around until he has figured out what he wants but how will I know if he's comfortable with my children if I don't bring them around. I always try my best not to pressure him, as I know it must be difficult for him to accept that I have children. I am one of those women who thinks its important for each partner to have freedom and their own life outside an relationship. He keeps telling me how different our relationship is because of this. I don't want to give up on him but what if he never commits? Please help.Please log in to respond to this comment.
Great Article, very true to the core. I wish my Ex G/friend Read this before she suddenly walked away...Please log in to respond to this comment.
Thank you for the wonderful article.
It has helped me realise that I am a CP myself. It's a horrible place to be.
I just successfully sabotaged a relationship with a very special lady.
I seriously need to address this curse before I die a lonely old man. Your article has made me take a good look at myself. Thanks again.Please log in to respond to this comment.
Fantastic article - thank you. I have been with my CP for 12 years now, we have a 7 year old son and are basically a well balanced, happy family. The trouble is my partner will not get married - I've been given every answer from 'we'll get married one day' to 'I don't know why, I just don't want to get married'. After each marriage 'conversation' we have he makes it very clear he doesn't want to discuss the subject anymore. Every time I have the courage to bring the subject up I feel rejected and hurt and like he's waiting for something better to come along. I often wonder if he's just so comfortable with how we are now that there's no point in getting married. As I said before, we are happy and I don't want to break up something that is otherwise very good but I really want to get married. I feel that he's denying me our 'special day' and our son (who also asks why we're not married) a firm family unit where we all have the same surname. A couple of days ago he said he wanted to wait until he was older - we're both almost 40!!!! Do I stick with this CP and hope that one day he'll finally commit or is it time to walk away, have some fun and build a life for myself and my son?Please log in to respond to this comment.
Dear Left by anon from England - he will never commit - they are unable to truly, injured too early to ever recover, they can offer the words periodically when fearful that their supply of attention may dry up forever/cause them too much discomfort but they cannot sustain this, they only hope the words will fend off further discomfort. In your case you have a child and he must continue to provide but he will never change, they cannot, will not it would actually cause them great pain to do more than the little that emotionally unavailable people offer - and even this is just crumbs - I'm sorry - there is no happy ever after with them just discomfort and feeling you are the inadequate one. Look after you and your child.Please log in to respond to this comment.
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