There Is No More Passion and Sex Sucks! Are You With The Wrong Man Or Woman?
Posted: Wednesday, May 14, 2008
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
It is unusual these days to find marriages that have lasted more than 10 years, let alone find couples who have been together this long and are still romantically and sexually interested in each other.
Okay, may be ten years is stretching it.
Recent studies show that sexual passion -- in most relationships -- doesn't last longer than 18 months. Things start really hot -- the chemistry is strong, compliments are flying allover the place, you grab every opportunity to show affection and get as close as possible to one another, both of you can't wait to tear off each other's clothes, sex is very exciting and love-making lasts hours (uh-uhm!)
If you are lucky this "hots period" will last up to 18 months, but after that, sexual intimacy problems especially lack of sexual passion become a major problem in the relationship. Sex simply sucks!
If the relationship doesn't end soon enough, lack of sexual passion leads to cheating, alcoholism, workholism, pornography, and other addictions to food, gambling, shopping, etc.
Is it you or is it him or her?
It's both of you. Sufficient compatibility for long term sexual intimacy is a simple requirement that is often ignored because most of us think "love" will solve our differences and meet all our needs. Many of us are shocked (and disappointed) to find that it doesn't.
The kind of sufficient sexual compatibility I am talking about here isn't just limited to if the glove fits the hand (if you know what I mean), or if both of you want more/less sex, dominant or submissive, planned or spontaneous, five star hotels or bushes, sitting or standing, muted or kinky, pump or spin, latex or skin-to-skin -- w-h-a-t-e-v-e-r!
Sufficient sexual compatibility that ensures sustainable sexual passion exists on the basic principle of equity theory.
What does this mean?
It simply means that sexual passion exists when both partners believe that the contributions/inputs they make to the relationship and the benefits/outcomes they receive from being in a relationship with a particular individual are equal (perceived or otherwise). If one partner believes (thinks or feels) that he or she is contributing more to the relationship than the other person, that person is likely to experience resentment, exhaustion, frustration, hurt, anger, sadness, confusion, and depression. These powerful emotions alone kill sexual passion and may end the relationship.
But get this.
While the give-and-give person may be doing so to prove he or she "loves a lot" (a tactic very low-self-esteem individuals use to manipulate and control others) the recipient of this "loving over kill" in the long term begins to feel guilty, angry, resentful, frustrated, stressed out, disgusted and bored. And yes... you guessed it right. These powerful emotions kill sexual passion and may end the relationship.
At this point you must be like… this is why the sexual passion in our relationship is gone and sex sucks. One of us gives too much and the other too little. We're sexually incompatibility. How the hell do I get out of this relationship without hurting my partner's feelings -- and/or hurting the kids?
If you really love this person (and there are no other problems with the relationship like abuse, conflicting values, non-stop conflicts etc), YOU DON'T GET OUT. If it's just the sexual passion that's gone, YOU STAY AND CREATE A WIN-WIN RELATIONSHIP where there is giving and receiving in equal amounts.
There are two steps (that MUST work together) to help you work up sexual passion in your relationship -- and get you some good loving!
There is the "WHO YOU ARE" part:
The ability to give and receive from your partner -- or anyone for that matter -- has everything to do with the relationship you have with yourself. If you do not have a good relationship with yourself, you'll have a very hard time determining (by yourself) what is too much or too little -- at any given time.
And how do you know if you have a good relationship with yourself?
1. You have a clear and solid sense of yourself;
2. You know what you want in your relationship and how to get it but also how to make sure your partner gets what he/she wants;
3. You can and are willing to stand up for yourself, own your feelings, wants and desires, assertively ask for what you want, and say yes or no and mean it;
4. You are responsible for yourself, your life, and your emotions. This includes not feeling and acting like a victim of other people's words, feelings and actions;
5. You know your boundaries and you don't let your partner violate, control, manipulate, take advantage of, or take you for granted in any way;
6. You are aware of, and have let go of expecting your partner (or others) to meet all your emotional needs;
7. You are free of fear of rejection or abandonment - including hurriedly rejecting before you are rejected (I always dump them, they never dump me mentality).
8. You are willing to tolerate some level of discomfort for growth and do what it takes to live a life based on fullness rather than need.
And there is the "WHAT YOU DO" part:
1. Find out -- by asking -- what makes your man or woman feel loved and special. It's VERY important that you know how your man or woman wants to be loved (not what books and internet articles tell you ALL men or ALL women want). When you know how your man or woman wants to be loved, you can give it to him or her -- just the way they want it.
2. Create purpose, direction, and order in the relationship, one that is reasonable, realistic, and healthy for both of you. This should include continuous honest communication, intellectually engaging discussions, some home-time together and also time away from each other. If you can't stand the thought of your man or woman out at night without you, your relationship has serious trust issues or your jealousy is suffocating your man or woman. Either way, please see a counsellor/therapist -- and quick!
3. Every day make a conscious commitment to express appreciation for positive things your partner says or does -- no matter how small and no matter how you feel about him or her that day. This doesn't have to be an Oscar night speech, just "thank you for...." or "I appreciate..." will do.
4. Make an agreement (first with yourself and then with your partner) not to criticize, blame and invalidate the other. And when you catch yourself doing it, acknowledge it, apologize and move past it. Taking unresolved emotions to bed is like a threesome with a really unattractive person (and you don't even approve of threesomes) or unhygienic group sex (if you are into that sort of thing).
5. On a daily basis, make an effort to make yourself sexually appealing to your man or woman. As they say "one man's poverty is another man's gracious plenty", avoid one-size fit's all rules, tricks and techniques. Dress, look and appeal to what turns your individual man or woman on.
6. Flirt and seduce your man or woman every single day. Put some of the time you spend reading the newspaper, watching TV, nagging the hell out of him or her, or complaining about just anything and everything to good use --like learning new "skills" and then exciting your man or woman in unexpected ways.
7. Find mutual tasks or projects to carry out together at home or outside the home. The experience of carrying out a task or projects together does more than just sitting and talking about mutual support, understanding, and accepting of one another.
8. Take the time to plan a little surprise every now and then -- a weekend for two at a romantic hideaway, a hand written love letter, a poem or a song hand-delivered with flowers, an invitation and gifts. The more spontaneous the better.
9. Make him or her laugh even when it seems like there is nothing to laugh about. Being able to make each other laugh and see the funnier, juicier, crazier and absurd side of life is nature's priceless aphrodisiac. Did I also mention natural stress management.
10. Play with each other and allow yourselves to feel young, free and silly again. Chase each other around the house, tickle him or her until he or she screams with delight, shower together, take moonlight walks in park, skin deep, get it on in the car etc.
11. Protect and guard the privacy you have with your man or woman. Telling your girlfriends or "the boys" everything about your relationship especially intimate sexual details is not only adolescent but stupid. It devalues your man or woman and raises questions about your own value -- and integrity.
12. Take care of the spirit self (whatever that means to you). How you deal with the spiritual aspect of your life as an individual and as a couple, determines your level of joy, contentment and ability to love.
13. Have as many sexual intimate moments as is possible. No kidding! It makes a whole lot difference. And it's not just the act of sex, but the whole practice of being continuously affectionate in many different ways -- touching, kissing, holding, hugging, back-rubs, massages etc.
Sustainable sexual passion and good sex does doesn't come cheap.
If there is no all-round deep satisfaction and fulfillment there is no sexual passion -- and you are not getting ANY anytime soon.
But if you can keep the passion in your relationship alive -- no matter what problems your relationship faces -- almost everything else can be worked out. Even a relationship that ended can be brought back to life by learning to create sufficient sexual compatibility that ensures inexhaustible sexual passion.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author offering men and women practical tools and advice on how to make themselves attractive by using natural instinct, common sense and self-knowledge!
Christines websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
http://www.playinghardtogettheloveway.com
Recent studies show that sexual passion -- in most relationships -- doesn't last longer than 18 months. Things start really hot -- the chemistry is strong, compliments are flying allover the place, you grab every opportunity to show affection and get as close as possible to one another, both of you can't wait to tear off each other's clothes, sex is very exciting and love-making lasts hours (uh-uhm!)
If the relationship doesn't end soon enough, lack of sexual passion leads to cheating, alcoholism, workholism, pornography, and other addictions to food, gambling, shopping, etc.
Is it you or is it him or her?
It's both of you. Sufficient compatibility for long term sexual intimacy is a simple requirement that is often ignored because most of us think "love" will solve our differences and meet all our needs. Many of us are shocked (and disappointed) to find that it doesn't.
The kind of sufficient sexual compatibility I am talking about here isn't just limited to if the glove fits the hand (if you know what I mean), or if both of you want more/less sex, dominant or submissive, planned or spontaneous, five star hotels or bushes, sitting or standing, muted or kinky, pump or spin, latex or skin-to-skin -- w-h-a-t-e-v-e-r!
Sufficient sexual compatibility that ensures sustainable sexual passion exists on the basic principle of equity theory.
What does this mean?
It simply means that sexual passion exists when both partners believe that the contributions/inputs they make to the relationship and the benefits/outcomes they receive from being in a relationship with a particular individual are equal (perceived or otherwise). If one partner believes (thinks or feels) that he or she is contributing more to the relationship than the other person, that person is likely to experience resentment, exhaustion, frustration, hurt, anger, sadness, confusion, and depression. These powerful emotions alone kill sexual passion and may end the relationship.
But get this.
While the give-and-give person may be doing so to prove he or she "loves a lot" (a tactic very low-self-esteem individuals use to manipulate and control others) the recipient of this "loving over kill" in the long term begins to feel guilty, angry, resentful, frustrated, stressed out, disgusted and bored. And yes... you guessed it right. These powerful emotions kill sexual passion and may end the relationship.
At this point you must be like… this is why the sexual passion in our relationship is gone and sex sucks. One of us gives too much and the other too little. We're sexually incompatibility. How the hell do I get out of this relationship without hurting my partner's feelings -- and/or hurting the kids?
If you really love this person (and there are no other problems with the relationship like abuse, conflicting values, non-stop conflicts etc), YOU DON'T GET OUT. If it's just the sexual passion that's gone, YOU STAY AND CREATE A WIN-WIN RELATIONSHIP where there is giving and receiving in equal amounts.
There are two steps (that MUST work together) to help you work up sexual passion in your relationship -- and get you some good loving!
There is the "WHO YOU ARE" part:
The ability to give and receive from your partner -- or anyone for that matter -- has everything to do with the relationship you have with yourself. If you do not have a good relationship with yourself, you'll have a very hard time determining (by yourself) what is too much or too little -- at any given time.
And how do you know if you have a good relationship with yourself?
1. You have a clear and solid sense of yourself;
2. You know what you want in your relationship and how to get it but also how to make sure your partner gets what he/she wants;
3. You can and are willing to stand up for yourself, own your feelings, wants and desires, assertively ask for what you want, and say yes or no and mean it;
4. You are responsible for yourself, your life, and your emotions. This includes not feeling and acting like a victim of other people's words, feelings and actions;
5. You know your boundaries and you don't let your partner violate, control, manipulate, take advantage of, or take you for granted in any way;
6. You are aware of, and have let go of expecting your partner (or others) to meet all your emotional needs;
7. You are free of fear of rejection or abandonment - including hurriedly rejecting before you are rejected (I always dump them, they never dump me mentality).
8. You are willing to tolerate some level of discomfort for growth and do what it takes to live a life based on fullness rather than need.
And there is the "WHAT YOU DO" part:
1. Find out -- by asking -- what makes your man or woman feel loved and special. It's VERY important that you know how your man or woman wants to be loved (not what books and internet articles tell you ALL men or ALL women want). When you know how your man or woman wants to be loved, you can give it to him or her -- just the way they want it.
2. Create purpose, direction, and order in the relationship, one that is reasonable, realistic, and healthy for both of you. This should include continuous honest communication, intellectually engaging discussions, some home-time together and also time away from each other. If you can't stand the thought of your man or woman out at night without you, your relationship has serious trust issues or your jealousy is suffocating your man or woman. Either way, please see a counsellor/therapist -- and quick!
3. Every day make a conscious commitment to express appreciation for positive things your partner says or does -- no matter how small and no matter how you feel about him or her that day. This doesn't have to be an Oscar night speech, just "thank you for...." or "I appreciate..." will do.
4. Make an agreement (first with yourself and then with your partner) not to criticize, blame and invalidate the other. And when you catch yourself doing it, acknowledge it, apologize and move past it. Taking unresolved emotions to bed is like a threesome with a really unattractive person (and you don't even approve of threesomes) or unhygienic group sex (if you are into that sort of thing).
5. On a daily basis, make an effort to make yourself sexually appealing to your man or woman. As they say "one man's poverty is another man's gracious plenty", avoid one-size fit's all rules, tricks and techniques. Dress, look and appeal to what turns your individual man or woman on.
6. Flirt and seduce your man or woman every single day. Put some of the time you spend reading the newspaper, watching TV, nagging the hell out of him or her, or complaining about just anything and everything to good use --like learning new "skills" and then exciting your man or woman in unexpected ways.
7. Find mutual tasks or projects to carry out together at home or outside the home. The experience of carrying out a task or projects together does more than just sitting and talking about mutual support, understanding, and accepting of one another.
8. Take the time to plan a little surprise every now and then -- a weekend for two at a romantic hideaway, a hand written love letter, a poem or a song hand-delivered with flowers, an invitation and gifts. The more spontaneous the better.
9. Make him or her laugh even when it seems like there is nothing to laugh about. Being able to make each other laugh and see the funnier, juicier, crazier and absurd side of life is nature's priceless aphrodisiac. Did I also mention natural stress management.
10. Play with each other and allow yourselves to feel young, free and silly again. Chase each other around the house, tickle him or her until he or she screams with delight, shower together, take moonlight walks in park, skin deep, get it on in the car etc.
11. Protect and guard the privacy you have with your man or woman. Telling your girlfriends or "the boys" everything about your relationship especially intimate sexual details is not only adolescent but stupid. It devalues your man or woman and raises questions about your own value -- and integrity.
12. Take care of the spirit self (whatever that means to you). How you deal with the spiritual aspect of your life as an individual and as a couple, determines your level of joy, contentment and ability to love.
13. Have as many sexual intimate moments as is possible. No kidding! It makes a whole lot difference. And it's not just the act of sex, but the whole practice of being continuously affectionate in many different ways -- touching, kissing, holding, hugging, back-rubs, massages etc.
Sustainable sexual passion and good sex does doesn't come cheap.
If there is no all-round deep satisfaction and fulfillment there is no sexual passion -- and you are not getting ANY anytime soon.
But if you can keep the passion in your relationship alive -- no matter what problems your relationship faces -- almost everything else can be worked out. Even a relationship that ended can be brought back to life by learning to create sufficient sexual compatibility that ensures inexhaustible sexual passion.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author offering men and women practical tools and advice on how to make themselves attractive by using natural instinct, common sense and self-knowledge!
Christines websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
http://www.playinghardtogettheloveway.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)You have a lot of practical things here to help couples doing well or not doing well to maintain healthy relationships, not only in the physical, but in many different aspects. I have appreciated the health in my marriage that has come from many of the things that you have so clearly pointed out here. This is a great article for couples to read and apply in their lives. Thank you for this very helpful article.Please log in to respond to this comment.Thank you for the vote, Beckie. You should count yourself among the "lucky" few. But as you already know "luck" has nothing to do with it, you (and your spouse) have everything to do with it. I pray for your continued happiness in your marriage -- and hope others can experience that too!!Please log in to respond to this comment.You are welcome, Christine.....you are right, there is no luck, lots of work, prayers, and sacrifice to enjoy what is a growing experience as well as a source of much joy.Please log in to respond to this comment.
Hi Christine,How about such cases where two compatible people do not flow sexually together from day one? When there are issues with performance on man's side and inability to build sexual sensations on a woman's side? Is it possible that chemistry is missing, or one of the people is not sexually attracted to their wonderful loving partner? I am at the moment in a relationship like that for the past 4 years. Sex never was amazing, it was okay, and it gotten worse... Is there a solution to such relationships? I also have several girlfriends who report the same issue. The issue is that the men are highly compatible, nice, understanding, wonderful, caring, loving... and there are problems in the bedroom department... Is it because they are so nice?I would appreciate your insights.EllenPlease log in to respond to this comment.It’s not uncommon to find two compatible people do not flow sexually together from day one. Personally, I don’t think it means chemistry is missing in general, the sexual chemistry may be missing but the fact that you are attracted to each other on other levels means the chemistry is there -- just not sexual chemistry.
I am careful not to attribute this to being “so nice” because I know so many “nice” guys who have partners who say they are the ultimate sex honeypots. At the same time I understand what you mean by “so nice” - like in boring, predictable, lacking in imagination/creativity, too afraid to take risks/adventures, overly sensitive… all the kind of stuff that makes a guy a lousy sexual partner.
Is there a solution to such relationships? I believe so. A relationship is not all about sex, but great sex is a vital part of a mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually fulfilling relationship (at least it is to me). If it is as important to you, then make sure that you did everything in your power to make it great, before you give up and walk out of the relationship. I have seen so many relationships changed just by changing the sex department.
Just learning the "technique" of sex is useless because it makes sex superficial and mechanical and not the magic it is. It makes a whole lot of difference when you create the magic from within -- and engage sexuality on its own terms.
I have written quite few articles on this particular issue - you can find this on the articles section on my date doctor website under Sexual Intimacy. The ones you might find particularly useful for you situation are:
(1) How To Make A Deep Sexual Connection Or Spice Up An Old One
(2) The Real Secret Of Emotional Intimacy And Great Sex
(3) You Think Your Boyfriend Or Husband Is Boring? Think Again
(4) Everyday Gift Ideas That Will Make SPARKS Fly!
(5) Women Want Sex Just As Much As Men - Men Just Don’t Know How To Ask
(6) Your Sexual Style Outside And Inside The Bedroom May Be Hurting Your RelationshipsPlease log in to respond to this comment.
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