We Must Love Everyone - But Do We Also Have To Like Them?
Posted: Friday, November 07, 2008
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
A few years ago, a woman in my neighbourhood walked up to me as I was about to get into my car and said "Listen, I don't really know you, but I just don't like you."
My initial reaction was shock and hurt (in Swahili, it sounds even more hurtful). Somehow, I managed to do the culturally-correct thing, I said, "I hear you", bowed my head and entered my car. As I drove away, the shock and hurt melted into a mixture of amusement and admiration for this woman, her honesty and boldness. May be, I even liked her a little more than I should have (not in a sexual way, Silly!)
1) We click with instantly.
2) We get to really like over time.
3) We initially liked but over time don't like as much.
4) With whom we get on very well at a certain distance, but whom we couldn't possible live in the same house with.
5) We can find no particular reason not to like, except that they rub us the wrong way.
Many people I know on the receiving end of "not being liked for no apparent fault of their own" tend to explain this phenomenon as the other person is just jealous, insecure, angry, unhappy, bitter, prejudiced, racist, evil and so on.
I personally don't think it's that black and white. Raised the way I was, and believing that the greatest commandments of all are, "love thy God" and "love thy neighbour", I know in my heart that there is no other virtue higher than that of "loving all" irrespective of who they are. We may have differences and even not understand them (and their ways), but we should love them as they are also created in God's image.
But do we have to like them as well, especially when being around them (to use Paul Begala's colourful language) is like a "cross between a hemorrhoid and a toothache?"
A number of dictionaries define "like" as 1) a feeling of fondness 2) to find pleasant or attractive; enjoy, 3) to be agreeable to.
I prefer to think of "liking" someone as a choice that we make logically and rationally; a decision we come to after a positive assessment of the person as worthy of our respect and affections. So while we may love someone (because they are the image of God and because Christ commanded us to) we may not necessarily feel that they are worthy of our respect and affections. Just feeling that someone is not worthy of our respect and affections interferes with our efforts to love them as Christ commanded us to. We sincerely try, but we just can't. It's unusual, but sometimes the guilt of not being able to like someone can make us hate that person for making us feel the way we feel.
It's so very hard to assess someone as worthy of our respect and affections if we haven't genuinely made an effort to get to know them or if the person is of no interest to us. Furthermore, it's very hard to positively assess someone when our perception of them is already subjective rather than objective. But it's especially hard to like someone when we impute to them a negative or hurtful thought or feeling (real or imaginary) regarding something which we cherish as a part of our Self -- and identity.
It's like liking them requires us to give up that which we value as a part of our Self. Even the thought of that person is threatening because it feels like an attack on our very Self. And it makes little difference whether or not that person is indeed a threat to what we value as a part of our Self. So long as we have any "self-preservation" instinct left in us, and as long as we attribute the depreciation or extinction of our "Self" to that person (by their ideas, words or actions), we do not like them.
In short, what we don't like about someone really says more about who we are, and where we are at in our life's journey than it says about the person we don't like.
Africans have a saying "Extravagant indignation is the luxury of those with a long list of wrongs done to them".
That said: there is no proof that the more we know about someone the more we like them. Sometimes the more we know about someone the less we like them. Whether we develop liking for a person or not depends on the true relation we develop with that person. That requires an open mind, a certain level of curiousity (sense of wonderment), and a willingness to allow ourselves to be vulnerable -- there is a possibility that our efforts will not be acknowledged or that we'll even get hurt/rejected.
Footnote: I don't believe people who say "I just like everyone". They are either lying to themselves, lying to others, sleep walking through life, living in their own fantasy world or they are not human. As long we are in this school of life there will always be teachers and some of them we will not like (even if it's just for a moment). That's just the way it is.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Dating Confidence/Relationships Coach who has devoted her life to the blending of indispensable age-old wisdom with modern realities into a prescription for passion, vitality, balance and effortlessness. Her thought-provoking message of conscious intentionality offers singles new, realistic and stimulating insights to rediscovering the mysteries and eternal beauty of men - women sexual relationships.
Christine's main website: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)Christine, let me start with a resounding, "No!" to the question this articles' title asks. I will tell people that I "like" them and hope they understand what that means. I am required to love everyone but not to like them. "Love ye one another." I believe God knew how difficult it is to like some personality traits so He didn't make it a requirement. I am grateful for that. :)) A wonderful article and healthy perspective, I feel. I especially liked your assessment of the woman who told you she didn't like you. You could have chosen differently but didn't. That's admirable, Christine. Praying all is well with you and yours. Take special care. :) -AvisPlease log in to respond to this comment.Avis, the “No!” came through loud and clear… :-). And I agree with you, God has taken care of everything for us. By not making it a requirement to “like one another” He gave us the freedom to choose how we live our lives. May be it’s just our human nature that we somehow manage to create our own conditions/rules that make life feel like a struggle. Then we have the audacity to complain about how hard life is.I think God sent me that woman. -- and I am glad I was open to the experience. Thank you for reading and commenting, Avis. Your comments always make me think even deeper. You’re one of those teachers -- I like… :-).Please log in to respond to this comment.Christine, thank you. I cherish your comments and like you, too. I did way back when and that hasn't changed. I'm glad about that! :-)Please log in to respond to this comment.
Christine,Great article, and you've hit the nail on the head. It's really more so about the other guy than having anything to do with you. And I've also told my students that if you get upset by someone's criticism, YOU are the one accepting their evaluation. I've learned this lesson well over the last twenty years as a performer (former stand up comic), college professor, and current lecturer / speaker. Even as a writer, I've learned that negative criticism of my work has little to do with me, and that I can't go around making changes in my work in an attempt to please everyone.
To be fully realized, one has to develop an inner-self that is high in esteem; this mostly coming from doing the right thing and knowing in your heart, mind, and soul that you are making just decisions and living a just life, not a perfect life, but predominantly a just life.
As a former stand up, I've performed in biker bars, gay bars, black bars, and in all these situations since I'm not a biker, gay, or black, I had to stand strong to do a job well but to not offend the audience at the same time. Certainly a tall order, but I learned an important less: to be strong and to be myself.
Of course, being so takes work and time. The first time I performed, I did 5 minutes and did the most pathetic routine in the annals of comedy. However, with work, work, work, and practice, practice, practice, I overcame my self to greater purpose and effect. Yes, I succeeded by sticking to who I am and by not letting others determine my character or to limit it in any way.
I remember walking in Vegas in the Fall of 2007 proudly wearing my Red Sox cap and shirt while someone yelled out from the crowd, "Red Sox suck!" My initial reaction was to yell something back, but I thought to myself, "No they don't," and simply walked on. I was vindicated that year when they won the World Series.
But getting to know the self, establish the self, and build strength in the self by overcoming the self, and this is mostly done by doing more for others than for the self--interestingly enough--one gains such great strength that there is little over time that people can do to tear one down.
Personally, I look to He how was spat on, despised, and reviled by many who in His strength stood His ground, and in doing so, preached His gospel of forgiveness and that of a higher mind more through these actions than through all the principles he spoke of.
God bless you and yours as you go forth in kindness, seeking all that is just and right in your eyes and, if I may say, the eyes of our God and Lord above. God bless.
Please log in to respond to this comment.Jeff, I could never have guessed you are a former stand up comic and performer. That is one field that requires a kind of confidence, I don’t have. Usually I don’t care if people like me or not (I can’t keep up with even those who like me) and I am always kind of the “odd one out” everywhere I go, so I am used to and even relish my “black sheep” (no pan) status.But stand up comedy, man… what if I say something I think is funny and no one laughs (??) and what if I @#$@#&* someone off… the chance of that happening are really high in situations where you sort of standout as the “odd one out” (not a biker, not black and not gay). I take off my hat for you for having the confidence to put yourself out there like that… I think I see you with different lenses now (not that the other lenses where like bad … just different :-)).And you are so right about “strength in the self by overcoming the self”. I learned that from my mother who one day after I came home from school crying because the other girls always talked about me and made fun of me for not always doing things like other “normal girls” (being a tomboy). My mother asked me “What are they saying about you?” and as I listed the things the others said about me, my mother asked “Is that you?”. If I said “No” she’d say “good”. If I hesitated she’d say “you need to work on that”. If I insisted “but so and so said…” she’d say, so and so “needs to work on that”. So I’ve learned to ignore people who try to tell me to live my life a certain way when they are not doing a good job living theirs.Thanks for commenting and sharing your experience. I wish I could be like Jesus a lot more… I try. I am more of a Simon Peter than a John in personality. I find it hard to sit at "Jesus side" and tell others how to be “lovey-dovey”. The “repent of your sins” morality stuff just bugs the hell out of me. I like to mix it up a little… get my hands dirty and live by example -- and not in some else’s “box” or standards either.May you be richly Blessed!!!Please log in to respond to this comment.
Funny, when I got into comedy, I had zero, zilch, nothing, nada in the confidence department, but I just knew I had to change and this was a big part of that change--putting myself in a situation that was totally, absolutley, unequivocobly out of character. But I'm sooooooo glad I did it. Overcoming working in a gay bar with only straight material, being so nervous in a biker bar before performing that I literally could not talk. (Hell!!! These were bikers! Not John and Jane Q safe citizen.) or a black bar in which the lights came down and cameras stopped rolling when the white guys got up (but I did great--I went "the dozens" on a guy in the audience and they loved me too!). I never talked to anyone, anyone! until I was in my mid-twenties. I went into comedy a few years after learning how to talk ;=0 It was one of the most empowering experiences I've ever had. Now the only things I'm scared of are God and my wife, that's as in respectful angst when I'm in trouble ;=)By the by, your mom sounds like a great mom / person. She certainly had the righ approach. And yeah, the repent / humble thing doesn't come easy. My wife says that as I grow in my business and exposure and wealth, the only thing I've got to watch out for is my pride. But like Elenore Rosevelt who too was absolutely shy before becoming an empowered and powerful first lady by embracing not running from fear, if one has overcome so much and gained so much confidence and is scared of little to nothing because we've been down so long and so deep . . . well, at this point one can go toe to toe with anyone and not fear. But the real key is to have all that power but not abuse it still looking to the betterment of others over the self. Takes a lot, lot, lot, lot ,lot of Christ-like self-control. And that's what it's all about in most if not all aspects of life that are of great import and merit. Like relationships, yes? ;=)God bless.Please log in to respond to this comment.I hear you, Jeff. As long as we have the ego, we all have the potential of crossing over from confidence to pride. Sometimes the line is very blurred. Glad you have your head the right way and have the wife to remind you…I am doing no stand-up comedy… even if it’s so cool… :-) Most of my workshop/seminar audiences think I am really funny... but that is different. I am not trying to make them laugh. I know that if I did stand-up comedy everyone will laugh at me... or boo me out...LOL! So I'll stick with what I do best.Please log in to respond to this comment.
It is indeed a strange concept that we should love everyone, but not like some of the ones we love. Maybe it is more understandable put this way: We may not like someone, but if that person were in a life-threatening situation (like drowning, for instance) we would more-than-likely go to their rescue. Why? - because even though we may not like them, on the broader view we actually love them and would do whatever we can to save their lives. Does this make sense to you? - It somehow does to me.Please log in to respond to this comment.Yes, it makes a lot of sense. I’ve always believed that we act out love (as in the example you gave) on a sub-conscious level (from the heart/spirit) and we like people based on logical assessment (from the head). Where that “love” comes from is the same for all of us although we may explain it individually (what makes logical sense to us as individuals or as a group of like-minded people). Sometimes it just takes a glimpse of the "real human spirit" for us to recognize that we're all essentially made of the same love energy that some of us call God."Head consciousness" vs. "heart consciousness" is one of my favourite topics and I can talk about it all day...:-)Please log in to respond to this comment.
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