Fear of Commitment - How I Overcame Mine and How You Can Overcome Yours
Posted: Thursday, February 12, 2009
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
Do you fear you could make a mistake in who you choose for a life partner?
Do you feel that making a commitment means loss of your freedom/autonomy?
Are you afraid of a bad marriage- like your parents for instance?
Do you fear you would be a bad mate who'd eventually be rejected?
Do you have great difficulty with being held accountable because of the fear of reprisal?
You may have a fear of commitment -- much worse, you may be a commitment phobe. Fear of commitment/commitment phobia is no picnic. I've been there and I know first-hand the struggle and pain of being stuck somewhere in no man's land. I also understand that different people have different types of fears and different ways of acting out those fears. (See my article: Fear Of Commitment Explained: No Situation Is Hopeless).
My fear of commitment was the fear of love itself. I grew up with a lot of love in my life and came to appreciate what I was taught about love; and that is, when you love someone, you loved them unconditionally and that love lives on even when you die. I was okay with that as long as it was love for my family, relatives and friends. I could never imagine the love I had for them ending. It'd destroy me. But "love a guy forever?" Uuh-uhm. That was so last century. As far as I was concerned, that kind of stuff was for my mother's generation; women still stuck to exhausted relics of tradition and religion. Me, I was an independent and liberated "modern" woman.
More over, there was nothing "missing" with the guys I was with. They met every one of my criteria (and more) for what I was looking for in a guy. I was very attracted to them and even loved them with all my heart -- and had no doubts whatsoever that they loved me right back. I am one of those who can confidently say my relationships (except for one) were easy, relaxed and with lots of fun. I loved spending my spare with them and they with me. But words Like "love you forever", "my wife" or "lives together" or "our future" sent me into a bliding panic. It was like my very life was under threat and I had to save myself or die. So I ran. Then I came back. Then I ran again.
This could go on and off, and on and off with one person for years. Fortunately for me and for you, fear of commitment and commitment phobia is not a terminal illness. Anyone can overcome that fear and have a loving committed relationship. Here I share some specific steps that helped me and will help you free yourself from the fear of commitment. Some may apply to your situation others may not.
1. Get real with yourself
First of all fear of commitment is real; and secondly there is a good reason and a plausible explanation for your fears. Anyone who tells you otherwise has no idea what they're talking about. Fear of commitment is real, and you have a relationship problem. Acknowledging that you have a problem is only the first step to freedom, but until you open up to the world within and face your issues head-on, you'll continue chasing your own tail. Talk to a professional, if necessary.
2. Make sure you're with the right person
Fear of commitment is made worse by being with the wrong person in the wrong relationship. The right relationship should not be in direct conflict with your personal values, interests, desires, wants etc. and should not feel extraneous to your long-term life goals. Ask yourself if that is the person with whom you would want to share the rest of your life (and children) and all the joys and disappointments of life. If something about the person makes you "uneasy", or if you feel that "something is missing" in the relationship, do not ignore it and later regret why knowing what you know you still pursued a relationship that was not right/good for you.
3. Take small measurable steps
The very thought of jumping in headlong is scary in itself. Talk about cold feet. The best thing to do is start with making small commitments that you can keep. This can be something as simply as a verbal statement to continue to work on a relationship, or commitment to do something for a specified period of time, or commitment not to say/do something that is destructive to the relationship, etc. Make it a point to follow through because following through builds your confidence in your ability to break down the walls of fear surrounding you.
4. Make it public
Tell others about the small commitments you've made to yourself or to the person you are with. Put out a press release. Get word out there. You might just find that by making your commitments public, you'll have an easier time following through on what you committed yourself to do. Your social support network will cheer, encourage, support and kick your butt when you need it.
5. Challenge yourself
Every commitment phobe has what I call "cycle of time"; the number of weeks or months before that "feeling" rears its head. Sometimes it's triggered by a word (like in my case) and sometimes it just creeps up on you but you know it when you feel it. Challenge yourself to talk to someone about it. I say "challenge" because fear thrives in isolation, in dark corners. Telling someone you are feeling the fear (right now) is probably the hardest and scariest part. The best person to talk to about it is the person you are with. This is why open communication and mutual trust in a relationship make all the difference. If you can't talk to the person you are with about these things, you have a much more serious problem in your relationship (and it has nothing to do with fear of commitment).
6. Narrow your options
Just like double majoring requires the student to divide his/her time and effort and take classes in both fields-- keeping your romantic options open require you invest extra time and effort to keep options available. The back and forth between pursuing two (or more) potential relationships has its costs. First of all, it's time and energy draining; and secondly you may find yourself unable to objectively tell which of the two (or more) relationships is genuinely promising. The best thing to do is narrow your options down to a very manageable size. Giving each relationship undivided attention helps you weed out those who would never had made it for the long-term anyway.
7. Trust yourself
Fearing that you'll fail to live up to the commitment can lead to procrastination and can create a host of so many other fears especially if you are one of those people who analyzes things to death. It's good to keep in mind that your confidence and trust in yourself will come and go, on and off. If, at such a time, you are not discouraged and do not give way to the feeling that it is of no use, but persevere instead, your confidence will come more often, and last longer, and become stronger.
8. Take your time
It's your life. You and only you decide what is good for you. A commitment is good for you when it's a well thought-out decision and not a half-assed itch. If you are with someone who is putting pressure on you to commit, it's very likely that you're with the wrong person; someone more concerned with what he/she wants and doesn't care about what you want. If they give you an ultimatum or threaten to leave you, let them go and pressure someone else. Once a control freak, always a control freak. Good riddance.
9. Make sacrifices for the other person
Commitment is not about an engagement ring, or a wedding or whatever. It's about committing to growing and learning and bringing out the best in each other through all the variety of experiences that life offers. And sometimes this involves making sacrifices and putting the other person's needs before your own. The only sacrifice that's too much is one that asks you to abandon who you are, your dignity, your core values and ability to make your own choices and decisions.
10. Surrender to love
Surrendering to love is not the same thing as giving up who you are to be with someone. Acting from a place of desperation, neediness and emptiness is a sincere hunt for food by a starving animal.
But when you no longer have fear, anxiety, desperation or feeling of foreboding; when all you have left is pure devotion and endless gratitude, you know you have reached that place of unconditional surrender (authentic, unhidden and undefended). Open your heart and feel the magic for yourself. You'll forever thank God that you did.
And if you are with someone who has fear of commitment or commitment phobia, there are a few things you need to know.
You can ask for commitment. You can invite it. You can inspire it. But you can't force someone to feel committed. You can't persuade someone into it by the strength of your logical argument. You can't create it in them through manipulation or out of shame or guilt or duty. Only a disillusioned fool or a perpetual victim thinks that they have that much power over some one else. You may end up with the person (physically), but not his or her love and commitment. Try living in that hell!
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Dating Confidence/Relationships Coach who has devoted her life to the blending of indispensable age-old wisdom with modern realities into a prescription for passion, vitality, balance and effortlessness. Her thought-provoking message of conscious intentionality offers singles new, realistic and stimulating insights to rediscovering the mysteries and eternal beauty of men - women sexual relationships.
Christine's main website: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
More over, there was nothing "missing" with the guys I was with. They met every one of my criteria (and more) for what I was looking for in a guy. I was very attracted to them and even loved them with all my heart -- and had no doubts whatsoever that they loved me right back. I am one of those who can confidently say my relationships (except for one) were easy, relaxed and with lots of fun. I loved spending my spare with them and they with me. But words Like "love you forever", "my wife" or "lives together" or "our future" sent me into a bliding panic. It was like my very life was under threat and I had to save myself or die. So I ran. Then I came back. Then I ran again.
This could go on and off, and on and off with one person for years. Fortunately for me and for you, fear of commitment and commitment phobia is not a terminal illness. Anyone can overcome that fear and have a loving committed relationship. Here I share some specific steps that helped me and will help you free yourself from the fear of commitment. Some may apply to your situation others may not.
1. Get real with yourself
First of all fear of commitment is real; and secondly there is a good reason and a plausible explanation for your fears. Anyone who tells you otherwise has no idea what they're talking about. Fear of commitment is real, and you have a relationship problem. Acknowledging that you have a problem is only the first step to freedom, but until you open up to the world within and face your issues head-on, you'll continue chasing your own tail. Talk to a professional, if necessary.
2. Make sure you're with the right person
Fear of commitment is made worse by being with the wrong person in the wrong relationship. The right relationship should not be in direct conflict with your personal values, interests, desires, wants etc. and should not feel extraneous to your long-term life goals. Ask yourself if that is the person with whom you would want to share the rest of your life (and children) and all the joys and disappointments of life. If something about the person makes you "uneasy", or if you feel that "something is missing" in the relationship, do not ignore it and later regret why knowing what you know you still pursued a relationship that was not right/good for you.
3. Take small measurable steps
The very thought of jumping in headlong is scary in itself. Talk about cold feet. The best thing to do is start with making small commitments that you can keep. This can be something as simply as a verbal statement to continue to work on a relationship, or commitment to do something for a specified period of time, or commitment not to say/do something that is destructive to the relationship, etc. Make it a point to follow through because following through builds your confidence in your ability to break down the walls of fear surrounding you.
4. Make it public
Tell others about the small commitments you've made to yourself or to the person you are with. Put out a press release. Get word out there. You might just find that by making your commitments public, you'll have an easier time following through on what you committed yourself to do. Your social support network will cheer, encourage, support and kick your butt when you need it.
5. Challenge yourself
Every commitment phobe has what I call "cycle of time"; the number of weeks or months before that "feeling" rears its head. Sometimes it's triggered by a word (like in my case) and sometimes it just creeps up on you but you know it when you feel it. Challenge yourself to talk to someone about it. I say "challenge" because fear thrives in isolation, in dark corners. Telling someone you are feeling the fear (right now) is probably the hardest and scariest part. The best person to talk to about it is the person you are with. This is why open communication and mutual trust in a relationship make all the difference. If you can't talk to the person you are with about these things, you have a much more serious problem in your relationship (and it has nothing to do with fear of commitment).
6. Narrow your options
Just like double majoring requires the student to divide his/her time and effort and take classes in both fields-- keeping your romantic options open require you invest extra time and effort to keep options available. The back and forth between pursuing two (or more) potential relationships has its costs. First of all, it's time and energy draining; and secondly you may find yourself unable to objectively tell which of the two (or more) relationships is genuinely promising. The best thing to do is narrow your options down to a very manageable size. Giving each relationship undivided attention helps you weed out those who would never had made it for the long-term anyway.
7. Trust yourself
Fearing that you'll fail to live up to the commitment can lead to procrastination and can create a host of so many other fears especially if you are one of those people who analyzes things to death. It's good to keep in mind that your confidence and trust in yourself will come and go, on and off. If, at such a time, you are not discouraged and do not give way to the feeling that it is of no use, but persevere instead, your confidence will come more often, and last longer, and become stronger.
8. Take your time
It's your life. You and only you decide what is good for you. A commitment is good for you when it's a well thought-out decision and not a half-assed itch. If you are with someone who is putting pressure on you to commit, it's very likely that you're with the wrong person; someone more concerned with what he/she wants and doesn't care about what you want. If they give you an ultimatum or threaten to leave you, let them go and pressure someone else. Once a control freak, always a control freak. Good riddance.
9. Make sacrifices for the other person
Commitment is not about an engagement ring, or a wedding or whatever. It's about committing to growing and learning and bringing out the best in each other through all the variety of experiences that life offers. And sometimes this involves making sacrifices and putting the other person's needs before your own. The only sacrifice that's too much is one that asks you to abandon who you are, your dignity, your core values and ability to make your own choices and decisions.
10. Surrender to love
Surrendering to love is not the same thing as giving up who you are to be with someone. Acting from a place of desperation, neediness and emptiness is a sincere hunt for food by a starving animal.
But when you no longer have fear, anxiety, desperation or feeling of foreboding; when all you have left is pure devotion and endless gratitude, you know you have reached that place of unconditional surrender (authentic, unhidden and undefended). Open your heart and feel the magic for yourself. You'll forever thank God that you did.
And if you are with someone who has fear of commitment or commitment phobia, there are a few things you need to know.
You can ask for commitment. You can invite it. You can inspire it. But you can't force someone to feel committed. You can't persuade someone into it by the strength of your logical argument. You can't create it in them through manipulation or out of shame or guilt or duty. Only a disillusioned fool or a perpetual victim thinks that they have that much power over some one else. You may end up with the person (physically), but not his or her love and commitment. Try living in that hell!
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Dating Confidence/Relationships Coach who has devoted her life to the blending of indispensable age-old wisdom with modern realities into a prescription for passion, vitality, balance and effortlessness. Her thought-provoking message of conscious intentionality offers singles new, realistic and stimulating insights to rediscovering the mysteries and eternal beauty of men - women sexual relationships.
Christine's main website: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
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