Are You Screwing Up Your Dates - Too Serious or Playing Too Safe, Perhaps?
Posted: Saturday, February 14, 2009
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
Whoever came up with "Relationships are like a full time job" is perhaps the most perceptive "Relationship expert" of all time.
And this is how I came to that conclusion: First, there is the interview/audition (sorry, first date) where you have to impress someone and make them want you to take you. If they already liked your written application (online profile), now you have to prove that you're who you say you are, and that you have the right qualifications for the job. If you pass the interview, then you go through the orientation where you have to jump through all sorts of hoops before you're called to HR. There you're given 3 months probation in which to prove that you are up to the job (Wuuuw! you're engaged!). At the end of probation, you're again called back to HR. You finally get that appointment letter (marriage certificate). This is when the real job begins. Every day you have to show up, put in your time and wait for a pay raise (translation: Anniversary). That's just the way things are, with most of today's relationships. Well... may be not exactly... but you get my drift.
I have several friends who have come back from first dates upset and discouraged because their dates overanalyzed every word, every move and every single minute detail: "I felt like one of those reality TV sitting ducks", "It was like an interview, except I feel like I do better in interviews", "It is like oh, cool... but simply not a good fit for the job", "I felt like I was present at my own autopsy: being ripped apart, critically examined and crudely sewn back together". etc.
Women so determined to lay down "the RULES" come off as expert dog trainers, with a whip on one hand and a dog-biscuit on the other. Men on the other hand so anxious to show they are in step with the latest "facts on what women really want" or "top SECRETS on how to make women beg" come off as nervous puppies (too ready to please or angry enough to snatch the dog-biscuit and run away).
You may be a terrific person and all, but experiences like this can shatter your nerves and reduce your self confidence. It's difficult not to take it personally.
If you are serious about getting off that "first date is enough" bus, you've got to change your attitude towards dating, and stop expecting dating to change to fit your attitude.
1. Make dating a bond-forming ritual not an interview of sorts or even opportunity for bragging about just how good you are. Most people find it disturbing when on the first date you want to know their daily schedule, social security number or other assorted facts that strangers aren't usually supposed to know about. Steer the conversation away from talking about WHAT YOU DO/HAVE (job, successes, property, admirers etc) to topics that are about WHO YOU ARE (or they are) as a person. You'll bond faster when you're just two human beings (with strengths, weaknesses, victories, failures, fears, resolves etc) interested in getting to know the other.
So just be human for God's sake. Be human, but please keep those "pity-me" stories for the fourth or fifth date after the person has known enough about you to make an objective assessment. Nobody enjoys being a therapist on a date!
2. Do more listening than talking. Some men when I tell them to "listen more and talk less" tell me they worry that if they don't get to talk about themselves "how will she know that I am not some unemployed loser. Women want men with money and if I have it, she has to know."
I don't think there is anything wrong with having hard-earned wealth. It's yours, you worked for it. But if money is all you got to impress a woman, Man! you are up for some real gold digging projects. If on the other hand, you give her the opportunity to meet the man you really are first, you'll have plenty of time later on to "show her the money".
Women are generally better at listening, but there are some who often talk too much (often too soon), and by the end of the first date, they've managed to completely turn a man off with the silliest details. Give the man the chance to chew on information, a mouthful at a time. There is a right time for everything, and your time to yap all you want will come. 3. Do something fun together instead of just sitting and talking, and talking and talking some more. It's when you are both having fun and not trying to "impress" that you really get to see what they are like, and where they really get to know you as well. Walk, run, jump, joke, tease, touch, be playful and sometimes downright silly. Movement especially gives you an opportunity to become more comfortable around him or her, and to show a range of emotions and different sides to who you are -- a multi-dimensional human being.
4. Balance the experience -- light and fun, serious and thoughtful, smarts and emotions etc. This all add up to a great memorable date that someone looks back on with all sorts of ideas about what's like to spend a lifetime with you. If someone is being all fun or all too serious you might just have to be honest and politely tell him or her that "the date is not progressing as you'd hoped". Of course you'll scare away some "all day is play day" Jack or piss off the dreaded high-strung man or woman - but good for you. Imagine being with someone like that for the r-e-s-t of your life.
5. Don't rush things. If you are jumping ahead of yourself, it will seep into your attitude and into the date - and he or she will notice. Sometimes you'll meet and discover an instant chemistry; other times, one or both of you might decide (at least temporarily) that it's best if you are just friends. If you're honest, they will respect you for it. If he or she says "I am not feeling it between us", be gracious, accept it, don't stare at him or her in shock or look like you're about to burst into tears. I know it's not much to go on, but que sera, sera - whatever will be, will be. Accept it. Move on.
6. Lastly, follow your gut feeling. If he talks like a jerk or acts like a wimp, chances are he is. If she sounds like a gold digger or comes across as "too much drama/baggage", chances are she is. But if you feel good about the date, let the person know you feel good about them without expecting or asking anything in return.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Dating Confidence/Relationships Coach who has devoted her life to the blending of indispensable age-old wisdom with modern realities into a prescription for passion, vitality, balance and effortlessness. Her thought-provoking message of conscious intentionality offers singles new, realistic and stimulating insights to rediscovering the mysteries and eternal beauty of men - women sexual relationships.
Christine's main website: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Dating Confidence/Relationships Coach who has devoted her life to the blending of indispensable age-old wisdom with modern realities into a prescription for passion, vitality, balance and effortlessness. Her thought-provoking message of conscious intentionality offers singles new, realistic and stimulating insights to rediscovering the mysteries and eternal beauty of men - women sexual relationships.
Christine's main website: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)This is really good. It's far better, at an early stage to be honest with yourself about what this person is really like. One good way to do this, and not drive them away, is to listen and observe and keep an open mind. An open mind is not always easy when you are keen for things to move on, but it will pay dividends in the long term and can save a lot of heartache.Please log in to respond to this comment.Funny that you said that. A friend once asked me to accompany her to meet her blind date. He knew her from the internet but didn’t feel safe meeting him on her own. She introduced me by my petname just in case he’d come across my website and figured out I was a dating coach.He seemed like a really good guy except that he kept making fun of other people -- waiters, other drivers, complete strangers etc. And whenever he made a remark my friend laughed. Later I asked her if she didn’t find his behaviour disturbing and she said he was just “a funny person” and meant no harm. And that he was probably nervous. Fast forward. She dumped him a few weeks later because… guess what…she was fed up with him making constant stupid remarks about her.So you’re right. Listen, observe and keep an open mind… but don’t ignore crucial red flags.
In the final analysis, dating is more about you than it is about the other person. If you have the right attitude, your dates are more likely to be more relaxed, meaningful, bond-forming--- and more successful.Please log in to respond to this comment.
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