Is Sexiness A Part Of Some People's DNA? No, Seriously Is It?
Posted: Monday, March 09, 2009
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
Research findings show that both men and women form a schema of "sexy" according to media and fashion stereotypes about sexiness. They first look for men/women who fit media and fashion model stereotypes, because that's what we've been told sexiness is. Then somewhere along the line they realize that's not where the sexiness is.
Not in good looks - It's true that some people are born better looking than others and that mere fact makes them more noticeable compared to those of us not born with great looks. But study after study shows that sexy people are not any more good looking or better dressed than the average looking person. Sexiness goes beyond conventional good looks and certainly beyond Prada and Amani. Some good looking, well dressed people can be lookers, but hardly "sexy".
Not in trying too hard - Sexiness is something that you either have or you don't. Any trying too hard to be sexy can be the unsexiest thing there is, especially if it's uselessly and needlessly out there. If it looks like you spent hours on it or if you are working it too hard, it can seem like a flat detail on a painting - precisely done for no added value.
It is the sheer effortless and easy nonchalance with which genuinely sexy people achieve their sexiness that makes them sexy. They never try to be sexy, they just are sexy.
Not in second guessing - Regardless of whether you have good looks or not, if you do not believe deep down inside that you're "sexy" - you are not. You can pretend for the real or imagined "cameras" (hey, look at me, I'm trying to do sexy, but I feel like crap) but if you are posing just to appear sexy, it's not sexy.
Not in age - They say beauty wears thin but sexiness increases with age. As you will see below, a lot of what constitutes sexy is really how we communicate our inner confidence and inner youthfulness to others. You can fool some people some of the time but you can't fool all people all of the time. The attempt to fool people into believing you're younger than you are just makes you appear less confident about your inner beauty which is your inner youthfulness.
If sexiness is not in any of the usual suspects, what is it about some people that we can't help but be drawn to their magic, even if only in small doses?
Let us look at just ten sexy qualities that genuinely sexy people have in common; qualities that intrigue us, that seem to calls us by name, and taunt us with fantasies.
1. The look of mischief - a look that has laughter and delight in the eyes. They have a touch of untamed naughtiness under their omniscient gaze - a window to an unbound soul.
2. Sophisticated mysteriousness - elegant yet edgy, rugged but still polished, friendly yet reserved. They posses a sort of "captivating unknown" or dissonance that keeps our want-to-know-everything minds on edge.
3. Relaxed vulnerability - a kind of carefree childlike fearlessness. They put themselves out there partly because they feel secure enough to just be themselves.
4. Self-assured confidence - fundamental ease in their own skin. They stride into a room with poised surety that their aura compels us to notice them.
5. Wit and Humour - quick-minded, easy and generous with their words, time and presence. Their mere presence can cheer up mundane situations and add sizzle to otherwise boring experiences.
6. Lavish sensuousness - a peculiar mingling of voluptuous pleasure and vibrant soulfulness. They are in every bit immersed in the depth and richness of their beingness -- and it shows.
7. Health and abundance - physical fitness, personal resources, and abilities. Whatever they have, they are content and that makes it look like they have it in plenty.
8. Heartfelt sincerity - genuineness, simplicity, and openness. They show strong and authentic emotions and affection.
9. Exuberant vitality - passion, intensity, drive, bounce; qualities that reveal both the fire and desire within. They are positively overflowing with genuine appetite for life - and for living.
10. Human warmth - kindness, compassion, approachability. They are interested in others and are interesting themselves.
The good news is that, these are all qualities that we all have within - some in smaller amounts than others. The REALLY good news is that it's not that hard at all to develop these qualities to fully blossoming levels. All we have to do is remove the mental, emotional, social and spiritual blocks obscuring what is our innate radiance.
Innate radiance? Yeah, like in natural, born with, God-given, in our DNA!
That's true, sexiness is in everybody's DNA. Hard to believe, but it's true, sexiness is in your DNA too.
Once you start embodying one quality, it will cause another one to follow suit, then another and another. I've seen men and women literally transform into wholesomely sexy people (without any plastic surgery) that I am like "You Sexy Thing! Where Did You Come From?"
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Dating Confidence/Relationships Coach who has devoted her life to the blending of indispensable age-old wisdom with modern realities into a prescription for passion, vitality, balance and effortlessness. Her thought-provoking message of conscious intentionality offers singles new, realistic and stimulating insights to rediscovering the mysteries and eternal beauty of men - women sexual relationships.
Christine's main website: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (8 total)Enjoyed your article. Thank you. I believe true beauty comes from within, of course I still have to paint the face.Linda DPlease log in to respond to this comment.Don’t we all once in a while have to use the brush…:-) At the end of the day however, it’s what’s inside the barn that makes it a barn. Right?Welcome to the Searchwarp family. I appreciate you taking the time to read and leave a comment. Thank you.Please log in to respond to this comment.
Definitely what makes someone sexy is self confidence, a sense of humor and a lovely smile, twinkly eyes...oh this list is longer than I anticipated :) I was just thinking about my bf's sexy qualities (let me add, nice bottom, long legs...ahem)When it comes to a woman dressing sexy, women may be surprised to learn that what men find sexy is at times the exact opposite of stereotypical views.When I was 27 I used to be an animal student and my college class was based at a zoo. Once a week I had to help out with the animals. I used to wear a set of green overalls designed for a 6ft man (I am five ft 4) and I basically looked ridiculous, but for some reason the male zoo keepers thought this 'clownish' look was very sexy. Nothing was on show and everything was left to their furtive imaginations and that's how they liked it...much to my surprise.Not that I recommend we all start wearing sacks!!Anyway good article Christine and spot on.Please log in to respond to this comment.CB, am I glad to see your comment! Green overalls designed for a 6ft man but worn by five ft 4 woman is sexiness in it’s own class...:-) Not all women can pull that one off. My guess is that the “dynamite energy” inside the overall may have been what set it on fire! *wink*.You’re right. Many “decent” men will agree with you on what men find sexy when it comes to women’s dressing. I know many men who insist that they want something left to their imagination. The bare-it-all may look “inviting” but after the eyes (and other things) have had their fill there is nothing left there because the mind was not involved in the feast. The mind always wants to dig deeper unless of course one has a lazy mind.Where I come from, and where almost everyone has it bared out (it's semi-desert there!), one had better have all of the inner qualities to stand out from the pack..:-)As for the nice bottom, long legs etc, these are part of the wrapping the package comes in. My experience is that the body’s sexy qualities are more individual than the inner qualities of sexiness. What is sexy to one person may be unsexy to the next. We human beings are very interesting when it comes to all matters sexual.Thank you for passing by and adding to the article with your comment.Please log in to respond to this comment.
ps! I get bitten a lot by insects in the summer and I was once told that the same pheremone that attracts these insects to bite me is the same one that attracts men...no idea if this has any truth, but it's a funny fact if it does!Please log in to respond to this comment.LOL! I’ve heard about the insect bites too. Some African cultures take this very seriously to the point that there are instructions on how to extract the pheromone without killing the insect (you get the opposite results if the insect dies). But it’s not just any insect, there are particular insects whose sting it sought after especially just before the courtship dance. Hopefully some day someone will study these “myths” and if there is something there give men and women some natural and easy ways to attract the opposite sex. It’s getting really difficult in the dating world!Please log in to respond to this comment.
Christine,There is nothing more ugly than overt sexuality or those who try too hard regardless of how they look. I've seen the physically attractive and unattractive do this and it doesn't work, nor does smoking, dressing too revealingly (overdoing it and impinging on the slutty), arrogance, ignorance, and so on.I find that, yes, natural attractiveness is important but so is humility, even a bit of shyness (not the "HEY LOOK AT ME!!!!" attitude--YUCK!), humor and intelligence, honesty, putting others first, family, and so on.For example, I find Gwen Stefani in the sexy group. Sure, she's beautiful, but there's much more than that. She's also insightful, original, creative, smart, but even more importantly family is important in her life. Just listen to the lyrics of her songs and you'll see what I mean. She's also not a sleeze or willing to drop it all just to increase interest (ala Maria Carey, Britney Spears, Christine Aguilera--all who are certainly beautiful but lack so much in all the areas mentioned above).So there you have it from a guy's perspective.Thanks for writing the article. Have a great week!Please log in to respond to this comment.I must have been typing a response to CB’s comment when your comment came in. So good to have a male perspective on what is genuinely sexy in a woman.Sometimes I feel so old and from another planet telling young women that they’ve been deceived by the likes of Maria Carey, Britney Spears, Christine Aguilera etc. But sadly that’s what our society glamorizes. It used to be air-head on Barbie, now it’s air-head on a slut - two sandwiches short of a hooker’s picnic.I believe women and men should look and feel sexy -- it’s ours to enjoy. But as you so beautifully explained it, there is sexy and there is sleazy. And now women have these bought breasts and you can tell who bought what and how much it cost just by the way they display the product and price tag. I feel sorry for these women even though they are super stars with all that money can buy. Something is so wrong with this picture. It’s no surprise that Hollywood relationships are nothing to write home about.I think we as a society, but even more so as parents should bear much of the blame. It’s easy to beat up on the younger generation but as they say, “You shall tell them by their fruit”. We parents are failing our children big time and thanks to electronic media, all our failures are there uselessly and needlessly displayed for the world to see.I appreciate the comment and very wise male perspective, Jeff. I can see you've given this subject much thought...:-)Please log in to respond to this comment.Interesting how MC and BS have suffered tremendously of late, and I think you can attribute it to lifestyle, choices, attitude, etc. I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop on CA. She's due.Please log in to respond to this comment.Believe it or not, I actually like CA, MC and BS quite a bit. I love their music and sometimes find myself singing some of their lyrics. I have a good collection of MC's earlier ones. She's still THE songstress to me. And when I look beyond the overt dispaly of sexuality, I see beautiful but lonely and sad women who’ve been let down by their parents and by society. I remember when Anna Nicole Smith died, I was so furious at how everyone including Nancy Grace kept on hammering at a woman who died sad and alone - even the very people who made her who she became (especially her mother). It’s like we make these people and then destroy them just for the fun of it. Sad! Very Sad!Please log in to respond to this comment.Yes, love CA's voice and I like the occasional MC and BS tune, but you're right, too bad people like to take shots at those in the public eye. I had the same reaction to those wanting to crucify Barry Bonds for his steroids use. How many of those throwing rocks are perfect themselves? And even though I don't condone what he did, I often talk of his strength in dealing with all those taking unfair shots at his character. How many of those blasting from the protection of anonymity would fail under the same pressure in a matter of minutes. I've found that it's the bully and the weakest who are so at the ready to belittle others. Sad but true indeed, and a tear must be shed not only for those on the receiving end of such evil but for those who project the same. Sad indeed.Please log in to respond to this comment.Now who would have thought Jeff Brown loves CA's voice and listens to an occasional MC and BS tune!We obviously share the same sentiments on taking unfair shots at other’s characters. Where we may differ is “tear must be shed not only for those on the receiving end of such evil but for those who project the same.” The way I see it, when record companies and the media exploit BS’s sexuality for gain or entertainment, she’s a victim but when her overt sexuality, choices and lifestyle affect how she raises her children, she’s crossed from victim to perpetrator.When one willingly takes on a position of responsibility like being a parent or media person, one accepts the responsibilities that come with that position. There has to be a point at which we’re accountable for our own actions, otherwise we (as a society) self-destruct.I was talking to a woman the other day who says she hates BS because BS is a bad role model for girls everywhere. I don't think BS asked to be a role model for anyone's daughter. She was thrust into that role by the rest of us. And what does it say about us parents when it's BS's responsibility to show our children what is sexually appropriate and what isn't!There is increasing pressure for men to be "sexy" too. Money and power isn’t enough anymore as more and more women now have that too. Wonder how that’ll play out.Please log in to respond to this comment.Yes, all true, but what I meant by "shed a tear" is that we must hate the sin not the sinner (of course, easier said than done). All in due time can change. Consider that one of the greatest sinners against Christ became one of his greatest advocates and a pillar of the early church (Paul, who according to his own words: “how that beyond measure I persecuted the church of God, and wasted it.” Galatians 1:13-14 (King James Version) Peace!Please log in to respond to this comment.Now that you put it like that, I see how I missed your point. "Sin and sinner" is a whole other world I can't navigate... I am dumb like that...:-) My apologies for shooting off the wrong direction! Peace back to you!!!Please log in to respond to this comment.
Christine,What an excellent article. Goes along with my theory that if there is not an initial chemistry between 2 people than they are missing something. One of my dear friends married a man and admitted to me that there had never been any chemistry. Needless to say, that marriage didn't last.Really, I could go on and on about your words. You are so correct. It has so little to do with what you wear or how you look and is definitely something one carries inside. Confidence.I find Sean Connery a very sensual man. He has gotten more attractive to me as he has aged especially without his hair. It may be something he does with his mouth when he eats. I also find the way he speaks very arousing. (And that could be because I'm attracted to great voices -- like that of Barry White and Peter Coyote.) I also find Johnny Depp has an animal magnetism that other women seem to appreciate as well, although I don't think men get that one! The biggest stumper for me is Jack Nicholson. I find him sexy. Go figure!Thank you for sharing this one,NancyPlease log in to respond to this comment.Right on Nancy, there has to be that chemistry! Sadly many people try to ignore it saying “love” will solve everything… but as in the case of your friend, it’s only a matter of time.The guys you list are sexy in their own right. And you’re right the Sean Connery and Jack Nicholson type get sexier with age. I believe that it’s that “rawness” (anima magnetism) under a polished exterior that most women feel like clawing through… :-) I personally believe the sexual imprinting starts from childhood. We all have that one something that just turns our own animal inside on.And you said something interesting about men’s voices. I know most guys hate to hear it but there is just something about the voice -- at least for most women.You just gave me a great topic for discussion in my next Single’s meet. Thank you -- and thank you for an interesting comment. I think I know you just a little bit more by your comment -- and I like what I think I know… :-)!Please log in to respond to this comment.
Hi Christine.I don't have much to add to what everyone else has written, but I will add this for Nancy. It's the imp that lives right behind his eyes, that makes Jack Nicholson so sexy.Anyway, Christine, your article is brilliant!DiannePlease log in to respond to this comment.THANK YOU, Dianne. You said the word. It's the "imp" peeping through the eyes..lol! So very true. It's like you never know what mischief he's upto this time. Sexy!Glad you liked the article -- and I appreciate you adding to the discussion.Please log in to respond to this comment.
Here's another weird thing. I have fangy teeth. I am having them corrected shortly with an Invisalign Brace. I've been told a few times by chaps that they find this 'fangy' look very sexy! I find it very peculiar.Meanwhile Danny Davito is sexy and he's not your stereotypical sexy guy. He was brilliant in 'Twins'.Please log in to respond to this comment.What the H is a “fangy” look, Leah?! LOL. Sounds vampire-ish… please do explain... :-)
I agree, Danny Davito outshined Mr. Muscle-man in “Twins'”. It was obvious who had “sexy” under wraps. And since we’re on “not your stereotypical sexy guy”, I totally dig actor Jet Lee. May be it’s his kick-A attitude and the movie roles he plays but boy! Is he IN -TENSE or what! I think “LION” -- and I can hear him roar..:-)Please log in to respond to this comment.Jet Lee, I can see the attraction, the ten pack may have something to do with it! ;)
Meanwhile the 'fangy' look is indeed a little vampirish. Mine are not proper fangs though, just two teeth that sit further forward than the rest. My brother was a proper vampire when he was a boy. He literally had two extra teeth (canines) growing down from his upper gum overlapping his full set of top teeth. He had two teeth below removed so they could drop into their place looking less vampirish. I think he should've left them as they were, would've been totally cool and think of the film roles! :)Please log in to respond to this comment.I get it. If the teeth are not excessively protruding and looking like real vampire, I think it’s sexy. I find a little bit of imperfection to be sexy when the person with it accepts it and is comfortable with it. I have a small natural gap between the two front teeth, something like Madonna the singer’s. Every time a dentist tells me to close the gap because apparently it’ll make me more attractive, I drop the dentist! Many guys have told me, when I smile I look like a very happy naughty kid… LOL!The fangy look may not be so bad afterall -- it makes you very memorable!!! Consider how much money, time and effort men and women put into trying to be memorable. And you achieve that just with one smile. That's what I call sexy!Please log in to respond to this comment.
I depends on the persons preferences. Great article. Well done.Please log in to respond to this comment.I hear you! Thanks for passing by and leaving a comment. I appreciate it!Please log in to respond to this comment.
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