Your Ex Boyfriend/Girlfriend Lied to You - How to Confront Your Ex About His/Her Lies
Posted: Tuesday, March 17, 2009
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
This probably happens to too many men and women trying to get their ex back.
Your ex tells you he or she is not ready to get back together just yet but suggests that the two of keep in touch as friends and see where things go. So you are emailing or talking regularly and you feel that you're engaged in each other's lives once again. You're not back together but communication between the two of you is warm and friendly. You've even talked about being open and honest with each other, because you value each other's friendship. But then one day you find out that your ex lied to you.
Now, most people would tell you "just get rid of the liar". If lying (or cheating) was a major problem in the relationship, I'd say "lose the loser" too.
But if not, there are many reasons why your ex might not want to tell you he or she was out on a date with someone else.
1. The most obvious one is your ex didn't want to hurt your feelings because he or she genuinely cares about you. Not a very good excuse for lying, but an understandable one.
2. If there is a history of jealousy, needy behaviour or any kind of emotional outbursts, chances are your ex probably feared that talking about his or her date with someone else would create an emotionally-charged situation, and he or she wasn't ready for a shout-out, tears of tantrums.
3. Your ex thinks it's none of you business. You're not back together and so going out on a date with someone else is not like he or she is cheating on you.
But if you're hoping to get back together, shouldn't being honest and open be something you both want?
I believe so! I also believe that you should talk to your ex about what you know but without completely ruining your chances of getting back together.
Whatever you do, do not accuse your ex of lying by omission. Accusing someone of lying especially if he or she doesn't think he or she did something wrong is like running against a wall really fast -- head first! For all you know, unless you actually saw your ex with someone else on a date, your source may not even be accurate.
My advice is to go for the cooperative solution-oriented forward-looking approach. The use of an open, direct, non-confrontational, non-antagonistic and non-coercive approach radically reduces the harmful consequences of the traditional adversarial back-ward looking approach.
It'd sound something like this: "You know how much I care about you and value your friendship. We've had our ups and downs but look at us, we're still friends. This past weekend, however, you told me that you were going out with your friends, but I found out that you were out on a date. I fully understand we're not back together but for my own sake, I need to know that I can trust others by trusting myself. If you were out on a date, would you tell me?
People are generally more comfortable talking freely when you are asking for their help other than accusing them; and when you're focused on the solution rather than the problem. And most people approached this way will likely face up and admit that they did actually go out on a date and tell you why they felt the need to lie about it.
Listen without interrupting, then after your ex is done taking, follow with a cooperative solution-oriented response, "I understand. I've made mistakes in the past and some of those mistakes may have caused you to feel that you could not tell me you were going out on a date. I am working on myself and knowing that you can be open and honest with me about things such as this will give me the opportunity to practice being more trusting of my own judgement and of others. As my friend, I may need your help from time to time. Will you help me?"
This approach may at first seem like you acted "weak", but a forward-thinking, forward-looking, cooperative approach that does not compromise your values (openness, honesty and trust ) has tremendous advantages.
First of all, you're being totally honest; second of all, you're non-threatening and non-confrontational; thirdly, you're telling your ex that you want him or her not to lie to you again; fourthly, you're telling your ex that you want him or her to know you are working on yourself and becoming a "new you" different from the person he or she broke up with; and fifthly, you got your ex to agree on something you can work on together as a team.
Cooperative team work is essential to getting your ex back because it is the glue that binds two people together.
This is just an example of cooperative solution-oriented things you can say. What's important is that you phrase your cooperative solution-oriented questions and sentences in a way that suits your personality, but keeping it direct and assertive. If your ex senses fear in the form of passive aggressiveness, he or she'll counter attack and force you to back off, and you'll end up feeling petty, insecure and angry.
Remember to always end with a cooperative-seeking question. Your goal is not to "win" but to reach an agreement both of you can keep -- and move things forward.
But it's not just about the approach, the most important thing is the state you are in -- mentally and emotionally and of course the groundwork you've laid up to this point. It helps a lot if you're working on yourself because in this process you have to manage your emotions and keep them from taking control of the situation. This is what makes all the difference between constructive dialogue and a fight.
About Author: Internationally renowned Dating & Relationships Coach, Christine Akiteng has devoted years of her life re-uniting couples and has seen over and over again first hand what works. She has woven together solid-gold advice on just about every stage of getting back together with your ex to help you make the process less scary and shaky and more exciting and smooth as possible
Christine's main website: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
e-Book: http://www.datingyourex.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)Christine, this is a great article, and as usual, very informative. Of course I have to be the devils advocate, and ask why people try to maintain a friendship with their ex's, and I only ask this because I really don't know. I have been married for the most part of my life, to my 1st wife of 15 years, to my present wife, (whom I want to stay with for the rest of my life). So that being said, I really don't understand why someone would want to maintain a relationship with an ex. My ex wife and I married very young, and we out-grew each other. It wasn't a hostile split, but she had cheated on me twice that I know of, and why, dear Christine, would I want to maintain a relationship with her? Maybe I am missing the boat, but you know me, I have to question it, not to oppose being "friendly" with your ex, rather I'm not understanding that if they are indeed an EX, what would be the point? At any rate, I think this article is great for those that do, for whatever reason, want to maintain a relationship and or friendship, but to me, it seems that this would end up in disaster and heartbreak. After awhile, one or the other is going to go out. After my divorce to my 1st wife, I never even questioned her going out, as a matter of fact, I encouraged it. Has time changed that much since I have been in the "EX" scene? This was very thought provoking, and as you can tell, raised some questions in my mind, which sometimes is hard to stimulate, hahahahaha (insert manly laugh here). But I found this to be very socially interesting...I guess friendship is more important that it was when I was divorced. After her cheating on me, I never even looked back. Oh well, maybe I am the exception, and not the rule.....Sorry for the long comment, but I had to ask! Your fan, and friend a pal in pen........Gary.Please log in to respond to this comment.Gary, I do understand -- completely --- why you would question people maintaining a friendship with an ex. You said yourself you have no experience of this.Many people maintain a friendship with an ex because an ex doesn't necessarily have to be an enemy. That's the simpliest way I can say it. A majority of people though, mainatian a friendship with an ex with the hopes of getting back together -- at some point.But a love reunion is not for everybody. There are some people who shouldn’t go back to an ex for a number of reasons….BUT there are also many reasons why people should try to work things out with an ex.1. Love doesn’t quit just because the going got tough. If one can let go that easily, that love has to be questioned -- in the first place. Just imagine if God (the ultimate lover) quit on you the first time or even every time you “messed” up. I personally think people in Western countries quit much too fast and for very resolvable reasons. Consumer mentality, I guess-- "if it’s broke, buy a new one!" I think this is one reason the divorce rate is very high. Many others live in regret -- for the rest of their lives because they let go too fast and have never been able to find such love again -- even with all the fish in the sea!2. Not all relationship as you pointed out necessarily end because the relationship was “bad”. Sometimes one or both of you can be "sidetracked" by ego-driven impulses such as jealousy, sense of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, fear of responsibility, power control and so many other responsibilities and challenges in life. And sometimes the "chemistry" that first brought you to each other is gone, and other times, the timing just wasn't right the first time. BUT that doesn't mean you've lost the other forever.3. If you really love someone YOU NEVER EVER GET OVER IT -- You can never ever get over love -- never! Trying to get over love is like trying to get out of your own skin, because love is the very fabric we’re made of. What you can get over is expecting your ex to give you what he or she in unable to, is unwilling to, or just doesn't want to. But getting over love -- good luck with that!4. Many people who’ve been through this experience will tell you the second/third time round -- if it works out -- is one of the most wonderful experiences of life. It's like being a second life...:-)I hope I don’t get charged for writing a book instead of a response to a comment. Not my fault, you started it, Gary! LOL!I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment -- and for giving me the opportunity to lay it out there for others asking the same question. Many thanks, I owe you!!!Please log in to respond to this comment.Christine, see, you answered all of my questions of which I am grateful, and now I do understand....Well done, and well said, now it all makes sense....I have been out of the EX life for so long, there was a time, if I was to be totally honest with myself, that I hoped we could make it work.....but that was shortlived when the cheating part come in.....thanks again for taking the timePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Hi, i need some advice...my longtime boyfriend of 6 years broke up a coupla months ago and i just found out he has been cheating on me all this time. Should i confront him or let it go? When i say confront i mean a civil conversation as you mentioned to ask why he did that and whether he really cared or was playing all the time....please advise...-heartbrokenPlease log in to respond to this comment.
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