A Lesson On Love From A Wise Old Dog
Posted: Tuesday, March 31, 2009
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
I admit it, I am an old dog, but this article is not about me. It's a fable about a young pup and a very old dog that conveys a lesson on love worth remembering.
Every day the pup chased his tail frantically while the old dog watched with lazy amusement. The pup wanted the old dog to be his friend but the wise old dog just told him to come back when he knew who he was and what he wanted. The pup continued to spend so much time and energy chasing his own tail that sometimes he'd collapse in desperation. Sometimes he even lost his way home and feared that he might spend the rest of his life chasing this thing that he wanted so much.
The older dog smiled. "I have watched you run in circles for a long time. I knew you were getting weaker and losing your spirit, but until you were ready to slow down and look at yourself, there was no use in saying anything!"
Then the old wise dog took the younger dog's tail gently in his teeth and said "Is this what you are looking for?"
The younger dog gasped. "How did you know that? It feels like mine!"
"It was yours all the time!" the older dog said. But the more you chased after it, the more you got lost and tired and preoccupied. Go home now and rest. Tomorrow you will begin to know what is you and what isn't. Then we can be friends."
In no society does a person -- man or woman -- emerge from his or her mother's womb fully grown up. Growth, which includes knowing who we are and what we want is one of the - perhaps the -- most important and most exciting aspect of the human experience. Only through growth can we find individual and collective maturity.
The tragic reality is that our world is full of pups frantically chasing their own tails. Some think they have it firmly in their grasp but all they have is that one strand of hair in their teeth. Some may spend the rest of their lives chasing their own tails. And others have already lost their way home.
But even more tragic is the fact that there aren't that many wise old dogs. We have many, many old dogs -- men and women with incredible gifts, talents, skills, knowledge and a strong desire to be participants in the development of others. But so often our support, encouragement and involvement in the development of others is not loving at all. It looks like love and feels like love, but it isn't love.
Our intentions may be good but because we are so (misguidedly) invested in making others "feel good about themselves" we don't realize that we're stifling the growth of the very people we think we're helping. Instead of encouraging others to find who they really are and what they truly want, we act forcefully because we cannot get them to "be us" and react angrily because they don't want what we want them to want.
Other times, we sacrifice our authenticity in an effort to influence how we are being perceived by others. We're so desperate to be liked so much that we tell others what we think they want to hear and say whatever people need us to say even when it goes against our good conscious.
Our preoccupation with "getting along" not only moves us away from our authentic selves, it also keeps us from speaking out and speaking in truth when we should. Because we're so afraid of using constructive criticism or instructive encouragement (lest they think independently and eventually not need us), our participation in the development of others becomes that of mere ego- stroking or flattery.
Others can never know what they are doing well and what they need to try to do better if all we do it stroke their egos or sweet talk them. We think we're being supportive, encouraging and involved in their development but all we're doing is standing in the way of their right to growth and maturity.
If there is anything we can learn from the wise old dog, it's that love is a mindset and participating in the growth of another is one of the most exciting and extremely gratifying experiences.
Wise old dogs (or people-builders) however, understand that they can only play an important facilitation role in another's growth, and sometimes that means saying, "Come back when you know who you are and what you want. Only then can we be friends."
Personally, that's what I'd expect and what I want from a true and wise friend -- instructive encouragement and constructive criticism. I may not like it sometimes, but I'll respect that friend for it.
Before you say or do anything that you think supports someone else's development, you might want to ask yourself: 1) Am I helping this person be best of who he or she is, or am I trying to make him/her into me? 2) Am I building this person up or am I standing in the way of his or her right to growth and maturity?
And before you take someone else's advice or help, ask yourself: 1) Is this person encouraging and supporting me in my efforts to be the best of who I can be, or is he or she trying to manipulate how I think and act? 2) Is this person building me up or is he or she standing in my right to growth and maturity?
It may look like love and feel like love, but if you aren't any wiser for it, it isn't love!
About the Author: From the mountains to the valleys, from the rivers to the sea, Ill speak of what love can do. Every word of every story, every hand that reaches out to find where love begins, I will testify to what love has done. Every dream of love, all the hope in every heart, Ill be a witness to love. And when words are not enough, I'll be a witness in the silences. With every breath I take and for as long as I shall live, I will testify to love.
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Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)Wow Christine, this was a great story, and I love a story with a moral to it. This one certainly has a great moral to it, I like the dog story line of us chasing our tails, and I too, are one of those that used to chase my tail, it was a story of wisdom, and the questions you asked us to ask ourselves are very revelant to our being, and who we are, and better still, who we could be. Wonderful and interesting read, sorry I haven't been around for awhile, to read your articles, but I have been working tons of overtime that it is supposed to wind down after this weekend, then I can do what I want to do........and read!!! Yeah! Great article, great advice, and as usual, you never disappoint me....your pal, and friend in pen and fan........GaryPlease log in to respond to this comment.Hi Gary! I have spun around my own a few times too, so you’re not alone. When we get older and wiser, or finally become successful at something we can look back with lazy amusement as we watch others do some of the tail-chasing things we did. I think they call that growing up… or is it becoming more of who we are..:-)I hope that "tons of overtime pays" good because you’re missed, my friend… I hope I can call you that without having to be told “come back when…"As always, your comment is very much appreciated. See you around, Pal!Please log in to respond to this comment.
I loved your article. It is very stimulating and thought provoking. I was thinking aboutthe responses I've receivewhen I tell people you can love someone to death. The real payoff I think for me other than watching some people flourish is when some one I've mad angry comes back and says thank you for caring enough about me to be honest with me even though I didn't receive it very well at the time. God placed me in a position to be reshaped with tough love and for that I shall be forever grateful.Thank you for your article,Linda DPlease log in to respond to this comment.Linda, I am glad you loved it! I certainly can relate and agree that when some one says thank you for caring enough about me to be honest with me, it’s an extremely gratifying -- and very emotionally moving experience. It takes growth and maturity for a person to come to that realization and it takes wisdom and maturity to be able to step back and allow others to arrive at that place on their own.Same here, I am forever grateful that God loved me enough to be tough with me. It’s my hope that I can be a tiny-winy-bit just as loving as He is…. :-)I appreciate you taking the time to read and leave a cooment. Thank you!Please log in to respond to this comment.
There are a few gems in this big pile of sand. Christine is sort of grossular garnet: earthy, warm, and sought after by many.
-gPlease log in to respond to this comment.Thanks G! That just added an inch to the size of my head… I wish you had slipped in “hot and sexy” somewhere in there… that'd be THE lethal combination...LOL.You have commented on quite a few of my articles and signed off only as G. If my memory serves me right, and you are who I think you are… I miss you (and James K) around here.I appreciate all of your comments and support...:-)!Please log in to respond to this comment.
Christine,What an excellent article. Well-written, well-thoughtout. But what gave me pause was your remark:
Before you say or do anything that you think supports someone else's development, you might want to ask yourself: 1) Am I helping this person be best of who he or she is, or am I trying to make him/her into me? 2) Am I building this person up or am I standing in the way of his or her right to growth and maturity?
This is such good advice and something that I have discovered with age. Everyone should read this!Thank you,NancyPlease log in to respond to this comment.Nancy, you are so right. There are some things that can only be learned with experience and passage of time (age). I used to be impatient with people not learning or doing things the way I thought was "the" right way (talk about self-importance... lol!). As you can imagine, there was some counter productive push-back. Some people even did exactly the opposite just to tick me off…lolWhere I am at now, I am able to just “let others be”, but even more so, appreciate and encourage individual thought and individual way of being. The amazing thing about it is that, as I support someone in becoming more of him/herself, that person enriches my life too. It’s an effortless win-win...:-)Your comment and vote mean a lot. Thank you!!!Please log in to respond to this comment.
I think by giving others supportive criticism, which may lead them to hate us for a spell, it hurts our egos, which simply means our pride is getting in the way of our love. The Bible says that "pride comes before a fall', but who's fall, ours or the one we think we are trying to help? If we really want to help someone, we have to put our pride aside and be prepared to be hurt.Thanks for this great article. It is worth reading over more than once.Please log in to respond to this comment.Love and ego just don’t get along…:-) I appreciate you passing by and adding this angle to the article. Thanks.Please log in to respond to this comment.
I loved it...I must add this in company with you. (Hope you like it, I do not know where it came from. I use it as an illustration at times)One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...'Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!Moral of this story...Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Brilliance only comes with age and experience. If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged'.Please log in to respond to this comment.
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