Dealing With a Boy/Girlfriend or Partner's Sexual Past - Should You Ask, How and When?
Posted: Thursday, April 16, 2009
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
Every man or woman at one time or the other has to deal with this sticky situation. Should you ask, how do you ask, when is the best time to ask -- and if you are asked about your sexual past, how much should you tell.
Given the way things are today, a significant number of the men and women who enter relationships bring sexual histories into their relationships and marriages. Some couples agree not to talk about past relationships at all. They don't ask about it, and they don't volunteer any information regarding the past. The past is in the past. Other couples see "full disclosure" as a necessary prerequisite to relationship trust. They want everything out in the open, dealt with and filed away into the past.
Most men, but more so women when asked about how many guys or girls they've slept with will deliberately revise the number downwards. Sensing that the person asking might feel hurt or be upset about their sexual past, they'll lie by omission or by avoiding the subject altogether.
Why does it hurt to hear about and listen to how many other people the person we love has slept with?
When we learn that another person has experienced the deepest, most hidden and sacred parts of the person we love, most of us feel cheated. We feel as though we've been robbed of something that should only belong to us. We might even feel violated just thinking of sharing the person we love with another person, even if it happened a long time ago.
So even if the person is telling the truth about the number of men or women he or she has slept with, that uneasy feeling gets in the way of our ability or desire to trust him or her. Sometimes we want so badly to believe the person we love but can't help asking "Are you sure you've only slept with five?" Or "Was he/she good/better than me?"
Whether the other person is telling the truth or giving a revised down version, he or she will go on the defensive if he feels that you are calling him a liar or calling her a slut for having slept with so many women/guys that he/she feels he/she needs to lie about it.
Even if he or she lied to you, all you end up doing is generate a fight with him or her -- and for what?
My personal opinion is that "to LOVE someone is to KNOW that person". That means that for true intimacy based on love and trust to unfold, you have to get to that place where you know everything about someone and love everything you know, unconditionally. That includes his or her past. After all we are to some degree a by-product of our past experiences. And in some instances, you might want to know about your partners' sexual past for health-related reasons.
But I also believe that how much we disclose of our sexual past and when we disclose it should reflect the existing level of honest communication and closeness in the relationship.
If the conversation comes up and you're asked, it's best to initially answer his or her questions in an honest way rather than get excited and get into unnecessary details or insist that the person hear you out so that he or she can love you unconditionally. Blubbering too much too soon or and insisting on the details of someone's else most intimate sexual experiences shows sexual insecurity and immaturity in the EQ department.
If the love between you is strong enough, your boy/girlfriend or partner will find it within him or herself to look past your past. But there is also the possibility that he or she will change his or her mind about you after hearing about your sexual past. That is something the other person has to deal with.
Different people process "difficult" information in different ways let the answers settle. Would you rather that he or she finds out the truth from someone else? Or may be you'd rather tell a lie and lie awake at night wondering what would happen if they knew the truth?
If you are the person who wants to know, make sure before you go there that you can "handle the truth!"
What you might find out may cause you to look at your boyfriend/girlfriend or partner with different eyes, it may even change the way you feel about your boy/girlfriend or partner. Some people have told me they fight with the urge to "get even" (sleep around with as many men or women). These feelings of hurt, jealousy and insecurity have nothing to do with the other person or what he or she did. These are your issues you have to deal with.
So ask what you want to know and let go. It's very possible that if your boy/girlfriend or partner has a sexual history he or she is ashamed of, he or she is being haunted by it enough. You making him or her safe to "come out" then "hate" him or her for trusting you is like being stabbed with a double edged sword.
The past cannot be changed. Obsessing about it often spoils the present. Who you are with now matters more than the things he or she has done in his or her past. If you can not handle your boy/girlfriend or partner's "truth" then he or she is better off without you.
If he or she doesn't want to talk about it, let him or her be. The time will come for a heart to heart talk.
The person capable of looking past your past to see the person before him or her is one who is capable of unconditional love!
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Dating Confidence/Relationships Coach who has devoted her life to the blending of indispensable age-old wisdom with modern realities into a prescription for passion, vitality, balance and effortlessness. Her thought-provoking message of conscious intentionality offers singles new, realistic and stimulating insights to rediscovering the mysteries and eternal beauty of men - women sexual relationships.
Christine's main website: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.comThis Article has been viewed 24,049 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (10 total)Hi Christine, this is very sound advice, as usual. I am not interested in hearing the details or abbreviated version of someone's sexual history. I believe you know I'm against pre-marital sex. Should I ask, who and when? I would ask in the form of requesting tests for sexually transmitted diseases, the entire gamut of them. I'd ask when I feel there is a covenant future in marriage. Outside of that, I would not be terribly interested at all. I agree with you, it is important to know the history, if becoming sexually active with someone.
You're looking as great as ever! Hoping all is well, lovely Christine! *hugs*
Just me,
AvisPlease log in to respond to this comment.Avis, thank you for taking the time to read and leave a comment. I can see that you have your mind made up on should I ask, who and when? Good for you.. :-) I am sure at some point some will also leave a comment as to why they are terribly interested in a boyfriend/girlfriend or potential partner’s sexual history besides sexually transmitted diseases. I have heard so many of these. I may not necessarily agree with all of them but I can understand why these men and women feel so strongly that they want to hear sexual details or abbreviated versions. The problem is that sometimes the way they go about asking ruins a relationship with great potential. I hope the advice helps someone out there do what is best for him or herself -- and the relationship!I wanted to "ignore the premarital sex” remark, but couldn’t help myself given my other HIV/AIDS activist hat. I believe there is the ideal world of no pre-marital sex (most people would want this for different reasons) and there is the real world -- teens and pre-teens despite all they are told/taught have sex (ask Sarah Palin); someone was abused as a child or raped as an adult and in some cases as a result of the trauma engaged in “promiscuous” behavour; someone was tricked into sex by some savvy player or had sex based on the hopes of marriage; someone was married before (may be even several times) and now divorced etc. All these experiences create unintended pre-marital sexual history. Then there is the real world where people just don’t believe there is anything wrong with pre-marital sex at all, let alone even believe in marriage anymore. This is the reality we live in -- and work with -- in this day and time.As usual, your comments are very much appreciated. Hugs back to’ya!Please log in to respond to this comment.I'm for being open and honest with people about my beliefs; sharing, teaching, and enlightening them and praying they make decisions based on their complete ability to handle any outcome. Ideal, of course and wishful thinking, too. A Chinese proverb states: "A person convinced against their will is of the same opinion still." This beautiful, mixed up and troubled world proves that. When I've said what I believe to someone or a group (teens for example), I have done what was required of me. You always want to help bring about a change in the life of someone even if just one. I obviously feel what I believe is morally sound and not harmful. The choice lies with each individual, adult or teen.
I love how you get to the heart of the matter. :-)Please log in to respond to this comment.Well said. Open and honest -- I think we both are in our own unique ways. The way I see it, we are very different on personalities and styles of communication than we are on what is “morally sound and not harmful” ...:-) I’d be lying if I said there are no “marked” differences though. What’s even more obvious is that we both are trying to be “Ambassadors of Love”. Your “assigned country” is different from mine. And I know without a shadow of doubt that I can not communicate to your “target audience” (and don’t even try) as well as you can. The reverse may be true too. The “boss” gave each of us the personalities, resources, gifts, talents and "lucky charm" to each do our best where we are assigned… :-)
Speaking of sayings, there is an African saying: “When you touch a tree, the tree is touching you”. As much as I am passionate about sharing, teaching, and enlightening others, I am even more passionate about others feeling understood, appreciated and supported. Being open and genuinely interested in others and their experiences made me into the coach I have become. I’ve never ceased to be pleasantly surprised as to how much I learn about me and about the true meaning of love from those I think I am teaching and enlightening. I think I am touching them, yet in reality they are touching me! God has a sense of humour… :-)I guess we all have to do what is required of us the best way we each know how …:-). I can’t tell you how to do yours. You already are doing a great job!Please log in to respond to this comment.I feel you've written an accurate summary of who we are and how we differ. You are so right about the teacher becoming the student, the one being enlightened. When I download into the lives of others, it is my Father who is ministering to me, first. That's when we are humbled and know we are still being changed and when I am no longer changing, I'm finished. Then, I learn from those who I am suppose to be helping. I find most often, I am the one being helped/blessed by them!
Thank you for the kindness of your heart, Christine. We're similar in many ways, unique in many but have a common purpose, I feel.
I have been thinking about this and came back to add something and was pleased to see your additional comments. (I didn't log in before and did not receive a notice.)
I want to add that like you, I feel I have a responsibility to others. It would be so much easier to ignore that feeling. I am unable to do it and won't. Once I have shared what I feel burdened to share, my responsibility ends. That doesn't mean 'the end'. I speak on a broader scope. You know about my 'missions' work. At seminars, speaking engagements or even responding now, when I share what I believe to be true, I will no longer be held accountable. But I am available for Coaching.
And yes, our target audiences are different. I learn so much from your articles. I see perspectives that I had not considered. That is so meaningful to me.
I meant to turn in early and here I am. Love the African saying. I enjoy all you have to say and agreement isn't a requirement. I respect you, immensely.
Hugging you with love.
PS Heck no, I could not do what you do as well as you, with your assigned citizens. You have your Embassy and I have mine. And I love how you put that. The Boss knows best, indeed.Please log in to respond to this comment.I respect you too, Avis! Hugging you right back -- hope you feel the warmth… :-) Ooops! I was going to say “feel the hotness” but not sure if that is “morally sound and not harmful”…LOLPlease log in to respond to this comment.
Howdy Christine....yeah, its me, your favorite !!! hahahahaha Great article, it's informative format has that flair of you. This is a touchy subject to many. One also has to consider, if you have a "colorful sexual past", one would question if one will one day be part of that sexual past? Does that make sense? I personally agree with your analogy of, and I quote;"The person capable of looking past your past to see the person before him or her is one who is capable of unconditional love!" That was very nicely said, and so true. As uausal, your wisdom in such things are very helpful, and profound. Frank and to the point. My experience is , well....I was in the Navy okay? lol....But seriously, I prefer not to talk about my sexual past, as it is the past, and personal to myself and the individual that I had the experience with. My partner presently (my wife) and I never talk about our sexual past, because that was something in each others past that means nothing to either one of us...that was before.....we are here and now...so we really have no questions to ask each other.....We are together, no matter what are past were....that is love. Great article, and I truly enjoyed it....sorry I haven't been around, been workin' my butt off....but I have the weekend and can do some catch up reading......your fan, and friend.......Gary.....
Please log in to respond to this comment.Hey Cowboy, got Akiteng (Cow)? Explains why I am your favourite… No, explains why you are my favourite…No, it’s the other way round… LOL!
I agree this is a very touchy subject. I’ve met many people who have gone the way you and your wife went. These are very personal choices.Just wondering would “knowing” each other’s sexual histories (to borrow your colourful language, colourful or otherwise) have changed anything? If not, why this choice not the other? I do not believe things “just happen” but rather that “something happens” to make people make the choices they make. Each of us makes the choice that we think (at the time) is the best choice for us. Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't. The choice you made obviously worked for you.I am all for full disclosure in all of my relationships -- business or personal. You can even say, I am "too shallow" to hold back anything…lol! I've always been what you see is what you get kind of person. I put myself out there, love me or hate me, your choice. I wouldn't have it any other way. This is my personal choice, how I was raised. I explain it in my article, Know Me In Entirety, Love Me Unconditionally [Please!]I can relate to “workin’ butts”. Same here! Just make sure you don’t stop checking it out in the mirror once in a while to see if you still got it!!!It's heart warming to see your comment and input... :-) THANK YOU!Please log in to respond to this comment.
hi christine,my name is sarah and i'm 24years old and my husband and i have a 6 month old baby boy together. I have been married for almost 3years this october, but i've only recently learned of my husbands sexual history. it's ALOT more than i expected. i had asked about it in the past, once when we were 6 months into the relationship and another just before we got married and he lied both times. I asked again just two days ago and found out the truth (which I thought i could handle) was much much more than previously stated. well it affected me big time! i almost feel as if something was taken away from me, like i'm no longer special,as if i've been cheated in some way even though rationally i know this was before me , but i'm stuck. I think its affected me to the point that its changed the way i view him, i feel uncomfortable around him now and he's noticed and is asking me what's wrong. He was my second when we got married , but i'd only had sex one time in total prior to him. Honestly, had i known the truth i probably would not have married him. Because of this too, i feel as though i wasted my years , that i could've been a slut and slept around. and secretly the thought has crossed my mind to just go nuts and screw around just so that he could maybe feel a little of what i'm feeling now, but i was never raised that way. I'm a very insecure person in terms of my looks and with having the baby recently my body isn't what it used to be thus i'm even more insecure and having heard of his history and even knowing some of his ex-girlfriends really is messing with me , i find myself thinking about our sex life , i wonder if he touched them the way he touches me, i wonder if he enjoyed someone more than me, i wonder if he compares my body to the better of those he's seen, and now i'm just uncomfortable so much so that its uneasy for me to get dressed in front of him. how do i deal with this? i love him so much and i keep telling myself that this was his life before me , but everytime i think i'm letting go i get an image of him naked with a woman and doing the same things with her that i hold sacred. please help me, i dont want this to ruin my relationship but as of now i'm not even sure that my sex life will be the same to me and we have what i consider an amazing sex life. help!~SarahPlease log in to respond to this comment.Sarah,I can sympathize with your situation, as I used to feel similar with my wife's sexual past. Her sexual past (a total of seven partners before me) rolled around in my head for years. Part of the problem was that I was looking at her past through my male eyes, and projecting my own feelings into her past relationships. (Why did she like him or want to sleep with him - he's so unimpressive, blah blah blah...) The thing that help me accept and move past her sexual history, and one that I view now as pretty limited, is that I trust that she had a good reason to be with these people. In two cases, she was with someone that she very much loved at the time - a young, inmature love, but someone that she cared for at the time. I'm okay with that....It shows her character. In a couple of the other men she dated, they were good friends first, and when their relationship escalated to more than friends, she found it to be unfulfilling, and terminated the relationship. Again, her character was never in doubt. I feel good about those decisions, despite the fact that it's always hard to imagine your lover with someone else...I also ran the math, meaning that I took her sexual lifespan 18-27, and divided it by the number of people she's been with to determine that on average she was with a different man every 1.2 years, or so...Certainly, that shows to me she was discriminating in her choices of who she was with, and by all accounts her partners were respectful and decent people. I'm okay with that, as it reflects positively on me as a discriminating choice she made - a conscious choice to love me. She's so attractive, I'm sure she could have been with hundreds of men if she wanted to...We all have insecurities, especially when it comes to our bodies...I would encourage you to take that off the table, become more secure with yourself by giving yourself the body you have always wanted...You would be surprised how insecurities melt away when you find the will to change things about yourself you don't like, such as your body.As a man, I value highly how discriminating you have been with your sexual choices. You should celebrate it, and recognize it is probably one of the things your husband loves about you...You're special in his eyes...When men lie to their wives about their sexual histories it is because they aren't proud of the notches in the bedpost. My past lovers occupy a very small corner of my mind, and I don't think of them very often at all. I can't even really remember the details about those experiences. So, it would be difficult to compare them to my wife. I also don't think that most men actually compare women they had sex with and women they actually love and have children with, as the differences are so huge between the two rendering a comparison almost impossible. Perhaps this is similar to how you feel about your past lover? Regardless, when men decide to commit to one women and settle down with that person, that person must be pretty special because the genetic and hormonal pull to continue to spread your genes around is fairly strong, especially in younger men. His lying to you is a further sign to me that he actually cares about your feelings and tried to hide the meaningless truth from you because he knew it would hurt you...He's not proud of his past, especially now that he is with you. So, I wouldn't be too hard on him, as he's probably beat himself up about this in the past.So, you have two choices: A) let this roll around in your head until it festers so much that it destroys your relationship (and then you've let his past win) or B) find a way to rationalize it in your head (which you are doing now) and ultimately accept it. (For me, I rationalized it by finding trust in her decisions based on who she was with, and why. If that is not possible for you, find another way. If you are brave, maybe you can ask him why he was with these people, and why you are different to him...He surely knows this. Numbers of lovers is a scary thing by itself. You need to find out the context, so that you can begin to understand and accept his decisions. You're making his past into something bigger than it really is, and your relationship demands that you put it back into scale. Lastly, the worst thing you could do is to screw around in hopes of evening out the numbers. You don't want that hanging around your neck for the rest of your life...Take the high road, you'll feel much better about yourself in the end...GrantPlease log in to respond to this comment.Grant,This definately has helped me...I am going through a much similar situation. My girlfriend of 2 years (who I hope to make my wife someday) has a past that I am not proud of but still am trying to get over. She lost her virginity at a young age (15) and has had a total of 4 sexual partners since before me. I am now 25 and she is 22. I guess it's not too bad because she truly is an amazing person. some fit into the category of young/immature love and others fit into a friend that later turned into unfullfilling. I guess the one that haunts me is a time she had relations with a friend of her roomates the first time she met him. They continued to date throughout the summer but it still haunts my mind to this day. It took us almost 3 months to become sexually active and to know someone did it in one day really hurts me. Meeting her, I would have never thought in a million years that she would be the type of person to do that and before I asked about her past, i honestly thought she had been with only one person.I guess I am being unfair because I myself am not a saint. I went through college, and slept with women...I had my fair share of friends and young immature relationships...However, I still cannot get past her past...and it's ruining our relationship. I question her integrity, I question who she hangs out with...and even when she does go out with friends, I think well she did it before, maybe she will do it again?...I know this is unfair to her because of how amazing she is but it is very difficult to overcome and no one would understand unless he/she is going through it.Your advice has helped me but even 2 years into the relationship, I still find myself dwelling on these issues. I do not want to lose her because I know i will never find another woman like her again...However, I know I am losing her...we are drifting apart...she is on the verge of giving up...She's told me herself!!! I'm crushed, broken, confused, and torn...I'm losing the love of my life!Please log in to respond to this comment.
yes it was. but i would like to know? is it okay to askyour partner about what she did with the ex during sex? like whether the ex used to give oral sex and how many times they had sex per month etc?Please log in to respond to this comment.
Oh, how I hope someone reads this and responds since this was posted a year ago. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and have three children. He had an incredibly large amount of sexual partners before me (including an ex-wife). We had talked about it long ago and in vague terms. I was much less experienced and he knows that. I thought I'd dealt with his past but yesterday it came back to haunt me. I was cleaning out our storage room. (He had actually encouraged me to do this.) I found an old shoe box with a bunch of junk and letters from girls in it. I am not proud of this, but I read them. They were not graphic, but two different women in particular discussed their sexual encounters. I was devastated. I have no such box. One letter was dated one month before we began talking on the phone (we were in a long-distance relationship for quite a while). He'd had a long distance relationship with her one month before me. Now I don't know how to get past it. I told him I'd found and read the letters. He apologized and threw them out. It is much better to know in the abstract and not actually read the words from a lover. I feel completely and totally unspecial. Everything we've done together (which is pretty extensive) he's not only done with someone else, but he's done with multiple women. He was a first for me in many ways, I feel like I have been cheated out of experiencing anything new with him. I resent the women and I resent him. He was somewhat a slut held nothing back for me. He took his senior pictures with some girl. In his scrapbooks and school newspapers he wrote about his girlfriends. I had had an entirely different view of the beginning of our relationship that I now realize wasn't true. I didn't realize I was just one of the MANY, MANY! I feel inadequate. If he had this desire to sleep with so many women then, what could possibly have changed all that? How do I know that he didn't continue or hasn't continued? Does he still have the desire to spread his seed? I was a fool to have thought he was faithful to me in a long distance relationship back then. I feel horribly insecure. After all this time together, he doesn't seem to interested in helping me feel secure. I appreciate that he threw out the letters, but I want some reassurance that he isn't thinking of them. He isn't comparing us. How could I possibly compare to his memory of them? I'm getting older. I've had three kids. I have no idea how to get past this. I knew he'd had extensive sexual partners, but I guess I thought there would be something that would be new for us together. I don't know how to get past it. I can't unring that stupid bell. I'm not sure if I'd want to, because I think it is more important for me to know and appreciate the truth. (Knowing that if I dress up for him, it's kinda old hat for him. been there, done that.) I'm sick to my stomach and wish I could turn back the clock to have more sexual partners so that I wouldn't feel so inadequate and unbalanced. Now I feel stuck and hopeless.Please log in to respond to this comment.
A couple of days back, my girlfriend (who i intend to marry) blurted out that she had slept with her Ex. She said that the whole thing was based on the fact that she thought he was the one and that him bailing out on her was never on the cards. Despite of her honesty in telling me the truth, even during the initial stages of our relationship, i somehow do not feel the same way about her, like i used to! Things have changed for the worse, and i am actually thinking about breaking up with her, solely due to the reason that our religion does not allow indulging in any kind of sexual relationship before marriage and i believe that with this thing being cultivated in us since childhood, one should have the will power to control their feelings in such situations. I am at a complete loss of words to describe how i feel, with this admission of hers, and i feel that i would never be able to come to terms with this. Adding to the misery is the fact that my family has been against this relationship since the very begining and now i have no clue of what i'll go through, if they somehow get to know of this! Been trying to deal with it, but have failed to find a plausible reasoning to satisfy myself!Please log in to respond to this comment.
This questions seems to come up in many relationships. How important is it really? I mean, really, does it matter how many people your partner has been with? They didn't know you at the time, so how can you judge them? Everybody has a past. I think asking our partners about their past is way for us to judge them, a way to question their character. And yes, all the juicy little detail of how your spouses sleeping with others is so bittersweet to hear. But remember, the spouse freely chose YOU! If they wanted to be with the ex's, they would be with them, and you would be with someone else who...whalla!..has a past too!
As a young man I was soooo insecure and got hung up on these kinds of things. Yes, I admit I pryed every little detail out of my ex girlfriends about their sexual past. I regret it! I became so consumed with jealousy of another guy pounding my girls precious little ass. I can still tell you everything about my first love's sexual past. 13 guys, one guy she boned in a boat, she lost her virginity on the playground when she was 13 ect ect..Why was i so upset? Because I was insecure. But nobody is a perfect virgin. So guys and gals get over it.
I remeber asking my ex-wife about her past. I though she was my princess, young (19) beautiful, smart, respectable! Until I found out she was in a 4-some with 2 other guys! Wow! What a shocker, all the respect I had for her went down the drain! My sweet little angle had a train ran on her. I never let that go. I had sooo much respect for her until I found that out. What kind of girl does that? We are all human, who am i to judge?
Guys and gals, for pete's sake, DONT ASK YOUR LOVER ABOUT THEIR PAST! You are rollin the dice. Just ignore it, don't let it consume you, and move on. Ignorance is bliss.
Currently I have been with my girl for almost 2 years, and I know nothing about her past, and I plan to keep it that way because I want to always see her as my cute little princess, not the slut in college who got pounded in the dorm rooms on saturday nights(which probobly happened). i have never asked, and never will. And my story? Yeah, I have slept with 13 people and have done EVERYTHING! Sex appx 3000 times(i counted a rough estimate..4 long long long term relationships plus marriage). Do I think my girlfriend wants to her that? Nope! Case closed.Please log in to respond to this comment.
I am in the same situation right now. I' ve been in a blissfull relationship with my girlfriend for a year now. I knew she had an intimate boyfriend before we started dating and I have been okay with that, that is until 3 weeks ago. I read something over the internet about how love only happens once in a lifetime. Since then I have been obsessed about my girlfriend's past. We have both been in serious relationships before and she lost her virginity to her ex, I didnt lose mine till I met her, but I had had alot of casual sexual encounters before. however when I moved in with her I realized that she still kept pictures of her ex with her, and hidden other detailed ones in her computer (she denied having hidden them and alleged that someone that she didnt know did that, It didnt make sense to me but I let it go.). I remember asking her whats the deal with him she said that she just wanted to be friends with him. He used to call her during the initial days of our relationship. and she usually downplayed it when I asked her about it. It made me start wondering whether they had broken up yet or what. Her ex was better built than I am and alot of times she would ridicule my average physique. One day she blurted out how well her ex used to lotion his body and how I badly I lotion mine. Ever since I have always felt compared to. She is the woman I plan to raise a family with in supposedly soon. But I just cant get over these thought, I have tried praying, Convincing myself that I am better than him (I taught her some stuff in bed, including french kissing. lol) I have never thought of anyone I have been and I have never compared her to anyone else, she has always been my princess and when I was with her nobody really mattered.. These thoughts have consumed me for sometime now and I am not very sure what to expect in future. She maintains that she loves me and would want to settle down with me. I have never ever figured out how to bring up this issue with her and how exactly to do it. I need help..Please log in to respond to this comment.
For the record I DO love her from the bottom of my heart and breaking up is not rreally an option. She is beautiful honest, intelligent and quite simply, phenomenal, I wouldnt want to hurt her. How should I deal with this issue, I am afraid if we don't settle this now it might bring problems in the future.Please log in to respond to this comment.
As usual in the comments section I see how there are all kinds of assumptions about speaking to someone you used to date or be married to or have sex with. I still think is rooted on the relationship between gender differences and intimacy. Most intimate relationships are not sexually inclusive but there is chronic dissimulation amongst women and men about whether or not one wants to be close only due to sexual interest/motive or if there might be other reasons. The more there are actually other reasons, the more someone might still talk to So n So later on, even if they had dated. You know, if the sex indicated that they were close, but as we all know, sex is not the only way to be close with another adult.Please log in to respond to this comment.
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