Dating Someone of a Different Race, Culture or Religion -- Does It Matter Who You Love Or Marry?
Posted: Sunday, April 26, 2009
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
One of the great things about being a hands-on relationships coach is that every day something comes up that challenges my own personal beliefs and pre-conceived notions about dating and relationships in general.
More recently, I am getting more and more questions and requests for coaching from men and women dating interracially, inter-culturally and interfaith. Interracial, inter-cultural and interfaith dating is becoming more and more common amongst younger men and women who are more globally conscious and have more and more opportunities to interact with people from other races, cultures, ethnicities and faiths at school, work, through travel, and the internet.
A long time ago, I would have just told anyone who asked me if their relationship had a chance. "Oh! Boy, this is hard. These kinds of relationships don't work in the long term." These were my own beliefs and preconceived notions. And boy! Have I been proven wrong time and time again.
It is possible to fall in love with someone of a different race, different culture and different faith. The reality is we do not choose who we're attracted to or fall in love with. That's why it's called "falling", no rational human being with common sense "falls" knowing he or she might be hurt by the fall.
There are many theories on who we are attracted to and how we fall in love but ultimately all of these theories seem to agree that attraction and love happen on a primal (or sub-conscious) level; a level most of us don't have control over. Who we have a relationship with or even marry however, is a choice we all have to make consciously and rationally - with common sense.
When dating someone of a different race, different culture or different faith, there are rational decisions that every adult man and woman has to make -- for him or herself. You can ask advice from others about what you should do, but ultimately if you are going to be with this person for the rest of your life, you should be the one to make the final decision on what is right for you as an individual, as a couple and as future parents, if you plan to have children. Not someone else who lives next door, a block away, in another city, or even another country (and that includes me).
Dating someone from a different race, different culture, different ethnicity and different faith opens doors for interracial, intercultural and interfaith exploration and helps foster a meeting ground between people of different races, cultures, ethnic and faith backgrounds.
The most important thing is that you understand that dating is only an exploratory process; the person you ultimately choose to have a relationship with should be someone who you feel mentally, emotionally and sexually attracted to, have a lot in common including your vision for the future and can grow together with psychologically and spiritually in an adult-to-adult relationship.
Keep in mind that spiritually doesn't necessarily mean a specific religion but the active inner belief system and vital connection to a higher power that provides strength, happiness and comfort.
Adherence to certain religious practices will not necessarily create a loving and fulfilling relationship but without a spiritual connection it will be hard to sustain the relationship in the long term. If you decide individually or separately to practice a particular religion, make sure it's not a one-person decision but something you both have discussed exhaustively.
If you decide to have children, factor in the different races, cultures, ethnicities and faith backgrounds and decide what is best for your children, not what feels good for both of you -- right now.
More recently, I am getting more and more questions and requests for coaching from men and women dating interracially, inter-culturally and interfaith. Interracial, inter-cultural and interfaith dating is becoming more and more common amongst younger men and women who are more globally conscious and have more and more opportunities to interact with people from other races, cultures, ethnicities and faiths at school, work, through travel, and the internet.
It is possible to fall in love with someone of a different race, different culture and different faith. The reality is we do not choose who we're attracted to or fall in love with. That's why it's called "falling", no rational human being with common sense "falls" knowing he or she might be hurt by the fall.
There are many theories on who we are attracted to and how we fall in love but ultimately all of these theories seem to agree that attraction and love happen on a primal (or sub-conscious) level; a level most of us don't have control over. Who we have a relationship with or even marry however, is a choice we all have to make consciously and rationally - with common sense.
When dating someone of a different race, different culture or different faith, there are rational decisions that every adult man and woman has to make -- for him or herself. You can ask advice from others about what you should do, but ultimately if you are going to be with this person for the rest of your life, you should be the one to make the final decision on what is right for you as an individual, as a couple and as future parents, if you plan to have children. Not someone else who lives next door, a block away, in another city, or even another country (and that includes me).
Dating someone from a different race, different culture, different ethnicity and different faith opens doors for interracial, intercultural and interfaith exploration and helps foster a meeting ground between people of different races, cultures, ethnic and faith backgrounds.
The most important thing is that you understand that dating is only an exploratory process; the person you ultimately choose to have a relationship with should be someone who you feel mentally, emotionally and sexually attracted to, have a lot in common including your vision for the future and can grow together with psychologically and spiritually in an adult-to-adult relationship.
Keep in mind that spiritually doesn't necessarily mean a specific religion but the active inner belief system and vital connection to a higher power that provides strength, happiness and comfort.
Adherence to certain religious practices will not necessarily create a loving and fulfilling relationship but without a spiritual connection it will be hard to sustain the relationship in the long term. If you decide individually or separately to practice a particular religion, make sure it's not a one-person decision but something you both have discussed exhaustively.
If you decide to have children, factor in the different races, cultures, ethnicities and faith backgrounds and decide what is best for your children, not what feels good for both of you -- right now.
The other thing to keep in mind is that racial stereotyping and bigotry on ALL sides is still alive and well. You will face many challenges that other couples dating within their own race, culture, ethnic and faith backgrounds do not have to deal with, but each love that matures into a loving and fulfilling relationship brings all of us closer to a more loving world.
Bottom line, do not allow someone else's racial biases and bigotry intimidate you or deny you the most wonderful experience of deeply loving someone else, unconditionally. It's not their heart that'll be broken - they probably don't even care.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Dating Confidence/Relationships Coach who has devoted her life to the blending of indispensable age-old wisdom with modern realities into a prescription for passion, vitality, balance and effortlessness. Her thought-provoking message of conscious intentionality offers singles new, realistic and stimulating insights to rediscovering the mysteries and eternal beauty of men - women sexual relationships.
Christine's main website: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)Christine Akiteng,I think your insight is right on point. I agree with young people taking the chance to date outside of social boundaries. It makes this world a better place when we all realize we are one human race.Keep it coming.Sincerely,L. JonesPlease log in to respond to this comment.I’ll keep it coming, LJ... :-) I may not be here to see that more “loving world”, but I sure want to be part of the energy that made it happen. I got the email message too… :-) THANKS!Please log in to respond to this comment.
Wow Christine, another great article full of thought provoking information...Very good article. I really don't look at the outward appearances of the opposite sex, okay. so I lied...actually, I DO look at the outward appearances of the opposite sex, as that is what immediately draws my attention, (when I was single that is), however, the race is of no concern to me, never has been, never will be, however your are right about religious differences, and cultural differences. One may not be able to understand the significance to cultural differences, and the complexitites of that culture. I have been to all parts of the world, and beautiful women, are beautiful women, black, white, yellow, to me, beautiful is beautiful, like you. But its the culture that is what is going to make or break the potential relationships, and that of the spiritual nature. Indeed cultures are very hard to grasp, traditions, customs, etc, and one has to be willing to learn, and fully understand those areas of their prospective mate. Great article, and great read.....as I said though, the concept of beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, any race, and all races have their beauty...and I have been fortunate enough to see them in my lifetime....Good read, your fan, and friend, ...... Gary.......Please log in to respond to this comment."But its the culture that is what is going to make or break the potential relationships, and that of the spiritual nature".I think that what breaks a potential relationships is NOTculture or religion but the ability of the two people in a relationship to create and sustain a relationnship.Thanks Gary for passing by and leaving a comment.Please log in to respond to this comment.
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