How Many Times Does Someone Have to Say " I'm Sorry"? Should You Forgive Already?
Posted: Thursday, May 07, 2009
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
Forgiveness has been on my mind lately. No, I am not hurting. And I have forgiven all I need to forgive, and hopefully have been forgiven for all the wrongs I've done to others. Hearing about and seeing so many relationships destroyed by emotional hurt and so many good and loving people kept apart by the struggle to forgive the other, may be the reason I am thinking a lot about forgiveness.
A friend of mine joked about how in our world today, it's easier to ask for permission to be rude, curse, look at porn, use demeaning words, or be mean to someone else, than it is to ask for forgiveness.
And even when psychology and spirituality studies reveal that physical health, particularly in cardiovascular health, is better in those who forgive than those who do not, most of us prefer to hold onto our RIGHT to hurt, to resentment, to negativity, to anger, and to hate.
Part of this, I believe is that many of us were raised to believe that forgiveness is a "gift" that one gives to the undeserving perpetrator or wrong doer. Remember when you were young and that so-and-so did something that really hurt you, but your parents or teachers told you "Say I am sorry to so-and so. Now shake hands/hug" and you felt like something that was RIGHTFULLY YOURS had been taken from you and given to so and-so?
It's no wonder many of us struggle to give this "gift of forgiveness" because we only give gifts to people who are good to us and to people we like, love, appreciate or want a favour from. For many, giving this "gift of forgiveness" amounts to saying to the undeserving perpetrator or wrong doer, "Thank you for hurting me this bad." That just goes against their rational sensibilities. Gifts are free and deserved. The person who has wronged us must "pay" for his or her actions before we even consider giving him or her a "gift".
For others, this "gift of forgiveness" means condoning, excusing, cutting the other person some slack or forgetting the wrong doing -- or sinful action. Many worry that if they "forgive" someone who is not truly repentant, how sure are they that person won't do something just as horrible tomorrow. Some people even refuse to accept an apology because according to them, "it wasn't sincere". They hold on to this "gift" until they know for sure that the undeserving perpetrator or wrong doer really feels the weight and suffers the guilt of his or her wrong doing -- or sinful action.
And because most of us don't like "sinning" or feeling that we have brought hurt and pain into the life of another by our words or actions (or lack of) we're not particularly thrilled about asking for forgiveness. Asking for forgiveness means admitting guilt, imperfection or vulnerability. Admitting that we're imperfect means that others won't see us in a favourable light (and won't love us). Admitting that we're vulnerable means others will take advantage of us -- and even hurt us. Who wants to be in such a position?
The irony is that the person unable to forgive or refusing to ask for forgiveness ends up with emotional constipation, emotional insomnia and in emotional death.
Forgiveness -- giving it and receiving is one thing: A GIFT YOU GIVE TO YOURSELF.
When you ask for forgiveness or forgive another, you do it for you, not for the other person. It's great feeling if the other person comes to you and asks for forgiveness but the reality of life is that sometimes some people will never do that.
Do it for yourself! Free yourself from emotional prison -- resentment, negativity, holding a grudge, bitterness, anger, and hate. The hurts won't heal until you forgive!
Do it for yourself! Choose not to live in the fear of your own fallibility, fear of your own vulnerability and fear of what you might lose, but rather surrender yourself completely to the many emotional, physical and spiritual rewards that forgiveness brings into your life.
Do it for yourself! Turn this around and use the hurt as a tool for learning how to deposit compassion, generosity of spirit and love into you own love account. There will come a time when you need to withdraw from this account, make sure you have plenty when you need it.
Do it for yourself! It's the path to emotional healing, spiritual purity, love, peace and happiness.
It is not easy to say, "I am sorry" but it gets easier with practice and with mindfullness. But what if you are the wronged party, how many times should you forgive someone? E-V-E-R-Y S-I-N-G-L-E T-I-M-E. Remember you are doing it for yourself, not for the other person.
All it takes to begin this journey of forgiveness is saying to yourself, "I forgive.... for...." and just sit there listening to your emotions. If tears flow, let them. If you feel anger don't try to make it go away -- suppress it or rationalize it. Accept that you are hurting -- it's okay to hurt, and it'll probably hurt for a while -- but you are not going to let the person who wronged you keep you in that emotional prison anymore. You are giving yourself this precious gift of forgiveness because you deserve it -- after all that's been done to you!
You may not have the power to choose what you forget but you have the power to choose to forgive. It's your gift to give to yourself!
This Article has been viewed 2,929 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)This may sound simple and silly to some Christine, but I am best when I'm in my 'happy place'. That means I am quick to forgive, but do not set myself up to be hurt again. Also, I know when to say 'I'm sorry'. Life is too short to hold grudges, and I find that in many cases the anger people hold on to is for nothing, sometimes they can't even remember why they are angry. Step back in a situation and you can usually see where the other person is coming from. You may not agree with it but it is there opinion. Holding on to feelings of resentment and anger solves nothing and helps no one. Get over it and move on. Not always easy, but usually best.Please log in to respond to this comment.You make very good points, Brianna. Some resentment and anger people hold on to is for nothing. And it’s true that sometimes the people holding on to resentment and anger can't even remember why they are angry in the first place. In my experience working with victims of physical and/or sexual abuse, however, some hurts cut so deep that getting over it and moving on isn’t as easy. The forgiveness process takes time, and sometimes that includes forgiving oneself for any lingering feelings of guilt or shame. But as you said, it’s not always easy, but it’s usually the best thing to do.
Thank you for taking the time to read and leave a comment.Please log in to respond to this comment.
Jesus was asked this question and he responded that we should forgive each other "seventy times seven" times. Of course, he didn't literally mean we should limit our forgiveness to 490 times, he meant every single time, like you said. And when Jesus said that, he wasn't suggesting, he was commanding. Unforgiveness is not an option.Please log in to respond to this comment.I agree with you, Terry. The number seven is very significant in the Bible and I am told sacred to the Hebrews. Seven represents completion and perfection, so it makes sense that Jesus would make the number of times one forgives infinite.
“True forgiveness is not an action after the fact, it is an attitude with which you enter each moment.” -- David Ridge.
Thank you for your time and for adding to the article with your comment.Please log in to respond to this comment.
Hi Christine,I too agree with Terry. We are commanded to forgive. I find that it is my problem if I hold on to something that I have probably made more of than it really was. Today, I find it much easier not to get angry if possible and if I do to let go of it quickly and make my amends. If I don't, I get physically ill and it is not worth it.Love, hugs and blessings always my friend,MichellePlease log in to respond to this comment.I am like you Michelle, in that I let go quickly and even quicker to say “I am sorry”. I used to think I am blessed that way, until I started meeting people who had so much more to forgive and did so with astonishing grace… a woman whose husband poured acid on her burning away all her face and neck… victims of Rwanda genocide whose whole families were cut into pieces and some forced to watch the horror… child soldiers forced to kill their own parents… and more recently working with men and women who endured all kinds of abuse from their parents. These people embody the very word “forgiveness” and make my own ability to let go quickly insignificant compared to there ability to look in the face those who did these things to them and say “I forgive you!”, hug them and even serve them a meal. Makes me marvel at the power of the human spirit!YES... YES! Always friends…:-) Thank you for your time and comment. Loves, hugs and more blessings back to you.Please log in to respond to this comment.
Christine, because I truly love Jesus, saying I'm sorry from the heart comes easily for me. You've given sound advice to help those who are unable to easily forgive, get on with enjoying life and living it in peace. Not forgiving is viral and it weakens our immune system until there is organ failure. The primary one is the heart. It's just not worth it, is it?
Lovin' hugs,
AvisPlease log in to respond to this comment.Isn’t it ironic that some of the people who love Jesus are the ones who have the hardest time forgiving someone who they feel is not truly repentant or sincere in their apology…I hear what you are saying and it’s so true, Avis! Not forgiving is viral. It damages the physical body, imprisons emotionally and halts spiritual growth. Hopefully the article will help someone struggling with forgiveness.Hugging you back!!!Please log in to respond to this comment.
Great article. Well done.I knew a woman who would apologies at least 20 times then half an hour latter apologies for saying sorry too much.Please log in to respond to this comment.Thank you, Connor.This woman you knew… are you sure that wasn’t me?...lol Joking aside, I know some people like that too… by apology number 10, my eyes are closed…. praying.Please log in to respond to this comment.
What a great article-so informative. For those of us who have such a hard time forgiving ourselves, you have inspired hope.
Thank you.Please log in to respond to this comment.
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.