Is It Possible To Be In Love With Two Women At The Same Time?
Posted: Sunday, July 26, 2009
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
We have been happily married for 9 years and have two wonderful children. Four months ago I ran into my high school sweetheart and my first love and now my life has been turned upside down. My feelings for her have not changed at all. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife very much. She is my soul mate. We have a good marriage and we're very happy together. We're both God-fearing (not religious). But this other woman is also my soul mate, in a different kind of way. Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? Please respond, I have no one to talk to who will understand what I'm going through.
Of course this is not how most people in mainstream North America are programmed/conditioned to think when it comes to love. And unless it has happened or it happens to them, most people can't even imagine it possible to be torn between two people you really love and are in love with at the same time. People who have never stood in these particular "pair of shoes" will tell you that you are being selfish, that the feelings you have are just infatuation or a phase (mid-life crisis), and will even accuse you of being immature or something worse. But until it happens to them, they really don't know. They're simply reacting to something they have no clue about or have a programmed/conditioned aversion to.
That said, there is being "in love" or "feeling love" and there is being "in a relationship". These are two very different things. Just as you can be in a relationship and not be in love, you can also be in love but not necessarily be in a relationship with that person. And because love happens at a sub-conscious level, we do not have control over who we love or feel love for. We however, have control over who we choose to have a relationship with.
You did not ask me what to do with those strong feelings of love. I am assuming you already know, but for the sake of someone else in the same situation reading this and wondering "what do I do with these feelings for this other person?", I'll add this.
A strong and healthy relationship is founded on trust, honesty, attention and lots of sacrifices including putting aside our "individual good" for a "greater good" (beyond self). These "relationship foundations" are important not because it's impossible to love two people at the same time, but because of the limitation of human nature -- which has a limited power of attention (time, energy and resources). This may explain why knowing that God loves you and me, and every other single creature below and above, we don't feel jealous that He loves all of us. We actually rejoice in that knowledge. God has infinite/unlimited power of attention He can bestow on each and everyone of us equally Except for a few "chosen ones" who've achieved that God-like level of love, we're limited by our human nature.You did not ask me what to do with those strong feelings of love. I am assuming you already know, but for the sake of someone else in the same situation reading this and wondering "what do I do with these feelings for this other person?", I'll add this.
1. Think of what is most important -- this should include respecting your partner enough to protect her dignity and shield her from emotional pain and hurt. The "respect" you have for your wife/girlfriend/partner and the courage and maturity of mind to stand up and on the side of "greater good" (beyond your individual desires, needs and wants) is the measure of the strength of your character and person -- not that you love or have strong feelings of love for two women at the same time.
2. Be emotionally intelligent/mature about it. You do not always have to act on all the feelings and emotions you experience. Feelings and emotions are our access to our inner world and guide our thinking and actions. Emotionally intelligent and mature people have the ability to discriminate which information (from our emotions and feelings) to act on and which not to. In other words, it's not "wrong" to have those emotions and feelings (and you're not a "bad" person" for having them), it's what you do with those feelings and emotions (if they hurt/damage another person) that makes them "wrong" or "bad".
3. Keep a distance between you and the other woman. You cannot have daily intimate contact with someone you have feelings for -- love and care about -- without experiencing a growing sexual attraction and desire/need to have sex with her. Even if you manage to suppress your desires, unexpressed and unacknowledged sexual desires/urges eventually create tensions, anxiety, conflict and sometimes feelings of deep sadness -- some of these emotional states will create sexual intimacy problems in your relationship/marriage.
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)Christine, very well said, and great points, especially in your explanation of being in a relationship. I think this will help a lot of people, and it does come down to love - true love means there will be times when we put our own desires aside for others. Well done. Blessings to you! TeresaPlease log in to respond to this comment.As we speak in terms of the world, your article is beautiful.Why? Sinful man lavishes in the flesh. However, Love in marriage imitates God, and disappoints intrusions, yet we all recognize that satan’s struggle with God and the mêlée is grounded in our essence. One can nearly hear Eve’s adage: “Adam, let us plead to God to put us liberated, we are in this way because of me?” The foundation of a marital relationship is God’s will, Commitment, Trust, Faith, and Love (Dr. Clarence Rucker (Terse, 1944-.)With respect from the Biblical stand point:1. Recognize and acknowledge temptation2. Ask God for help to resist3. Remove yourself from... if at all possible4. Identify it as an unbiblical desire5. Meditate the appropriate Scripture6. Remind yourself you are married in God7. Reflect on the purpose of Christ's death8. Mentally and verbally do Godly things9. Get busy with mind engagement (I took my wife to the park)10. Call a Godly friend11. Repeat all above continually before a dirty deteriation of a relationshipWe know it is a struggle, but try we mustPlease log in to respond to this comment.Dr. Clarence, I hear you. Unfortunately when you go one-trick-horse biblical on me, you lose me. I prefer a more broader intellectual discussion than be sandwiched in the narrow limits of biblical interpretations. So excuse me if I don’t bite, brother. Not my kind of meat…:-)Please log in to respond to this comment.Dr. Clarence, I think Christine laid out the biblical principals you listed, she just used different words, she especially noted the common sense one about keeping distance from the other woman (and can be applied to a man for that matter) to avoid it leading to something that will cause serious harm and pain.Certainly self control plays a big roll in these kinds of situations. Sorry, to butt in, just thought I would respond to your input. :-) Blessings to you! TeresaPlease log in to respond to this comment.Yangki, sorry about the "trick-horse." I gathered it was a sharing of knowledge. However, I find when a response is different than yours, it says: "My way or the highway. So from now on, I will stay on my "Trick Horse." I do find you are not the master in your field as you believe. If it is not your way, get off the train, I am off the train.Please log in to respond to this comment.Thank you Teresa for the vote. True love does indeed mean that they’ll be times when we put our desires aside for another -- especially when those desires conflict with the wants and needs of the other.I was just discussing this very article with a very wise friend of mine, and we came to the ironic conclusion that the reverse of this line of thinking can also apply. That is, true love also means putting our individual desires to posses, own or be the “only one” (me, mine, ego trip) aside if what truly makes the other person happy is to be in a relationship with two women. Then the standard for “greater good” ceases to be “the other person” and becomes “collective person”. Who else is affected by the decision? Children? Other family members? Friends?What about in societies where a wife, children, family members, friends are all at peace with the man (or woman for that matter) having a relationship with two women (men). Where do we draw the line for “greater good”? Do we legislate and impose a “law” that goes against the “greater good” or do we go by the law of “collective good”? . We’re still talking….I told you my friend is wise…. :-)Please log in to respond to this comment.Hi Christine, lol - hugs and smiles, this is were we think differently and I stick to the complete biblical text as the greater good. :-)Have a beautiful Sunday and many blessings to you! TeresaPlease log in to respond to this comment.Complete biblical text as interpreted in which language, which culture and by who? The Hebrews themselves vehemtly disagree with the Anglo-saxon "bastardized" interpretation of Biblical scriptures. I think that "other" cultures are closer to the Hebrew original culture and understand Biblical concepts and scriptual settings more than Anglo-saxon cultures will ever. But that's just my interpretation...LOL. And I hear what you're saying... :-) Each to their own interpretations of scriptures. Heaven's Gate is where we'll meet the rude truth...Can't wait to say "I told you so, Sis-tah!". ... LOL! Much love, Teresa.Please log in to respond to this comment.Hello again :-) There is ample proof - over 8,000 copies and texts and language experts, that confirm the English Translation, if fact, many translations from the Hebrew, Greek, and Aramiac texts agree match. There is internal proof, secular proof, archialogical proof etc... But let's not agrue about this :-)I agree in that we will all face our maker and have to answer to Him. I am not above misintrepreting the Bible, so I would love to hear you tell me I am wrong :-) But I am also not beneath interpreting it either, so if it says what I have studied and come to believe it says, then I must stand firm in it, and teach it as God has called me to do.It's not about me being right, its about God being right and me changing my mind to align with his. Don't we all have to stand in what we believe?The key is not getting all mental about it and not treating others with disrespect and I pray I never do this. So far I think I'm doing a good job, I have awesome friendships with a lot of people who believe differently than I do. We love to chat and learn about why we each believe the way we do. Love you back Sistah, hugs and smiles :-) TeresaPlease log in to respond to this comment.“Teach it as God has called me to do”, “Don't we all have to stand in what we believe?” Yes to both accounts. Bottom line is that neither of us has authority on God’s word. I think that anyone who claims to know God’s mind is insulting God. That’s a sin, right? LOLOnce again, thank you for not preaching on my pulpit.... I write for a much broader audience and sometimes get frustrated when the message of my articles -- meant for people who can be helped by it -- is hijacked in "scripture" stuff turning off/away the target audience of my article's message.… that's when I get the “write your own article…attitude!” If that comes across as "disrespectful... I apologize. Sometimes one needs some people to just get out of the way!Please log in to respond to this comment.Hello,
My husband of 17 years and myself have found ourselves in this situation, we love each other deeply and still feel that we are "in love" with each other. But now we have a female friend that we both feel a strong connection with. I know that she loves my husband and he loves her, I also have strong feelings of love for her. There has been no sexual contact. None of us wants to do anything that will cause either of the other two any kind of hurt. The three of us spend all of our spare time together, and it is quite painful to be apart. I feel bad that she hurts when me and my husband leave.Please log in to respond to this comment.Hi Christine - and a big amen to that! See, you and I always end up coming to an agreement :-) Never one to preach on your pulpit, or anyone else's for that matter. At least not intentionally girlfriend!Glad you did not see it that way :-)Please log in to respond to this comment.
Chrissy, I "thought" you back! Yesterday, you were constantly in my thoughts. I didn't feel anything was wrong but as I always do, I whispered a simple prayer for you, your daughters and all the "yours" in your life. I have missed you!
This is spiritual advice at its highest level, Doctor. Your examples were perfect and the advice should be beneficial to others. The governor of SC had an extramarital affair and referred to his mistress as his soul mate. I understood that completely but don't condone straying outside of your marriage. I wish I could get this article to him. As Teresa said, you will help many people and I feel he'd benefit, too.
Welcome back, baby sis! You've been gone too long! *big hug*
Lotsa love,
AvisPlease log in to respond to this comment.Avis, Big Sis! Thanks for the warm welcome! Nice to be back, briefly. I’ve missed SW -- and you.I saw CNN News clips of the governor of SC, and remember very well John and Elizabeth Edwards. I am glad you think my article worthy of “getting” it to the governor. Whenever I see and read reactionary/judgemental comments on people like the governor, my heart breaks. Instead of seeing “weak men”, I see “teachable moments” about love diverted by programmed/conditioned reactions from people who don't know any better (and may be even be cheating their own spouses). I think that God/Love is trying to tell America (and the western world) something about true love that it has lost along the way. Too many wife-cheating prominent political figures… people who risk everything for a few stolen “moments of happiness” is too much coincidence to be ignored.Hopefully some day we’ll all become as emotionally intelligent as we’re analytically smart, and grow up (emotionally at least) to realize that love and relationship/marriage are not one and the same thing; and the “individual” is not the centre of the universe. Love is -- and always will be. Forever and ever. Amen!Lots hugging back! I'm like that and I know you're too... :-)Please log in to respond to this comment.Amen to ALL of that, Chrissy! "Forever and ever!" I especially liked the "teachable moments" phrase. I may see the situation as something I could likely teach an individual but that phrase is more suitable. Thank you for it! I just grabbed it! LOL
Happy to have you back if briefly. Briefly is about as much as I am able to do at the moment, too - or intermittently may be a better choice.
*nodding* I am like that. Lots of huggin'! Take care of your precious self!
Please log in to respond to this comment.
Christine,This was the best response one could give to a situation that will prove painful in some way to at least one person if not more; however, as much as you may wish that Christ wouldn't enter the picture, many of us believe that he did in your answer. What would Jesus do? or say? Exactly what you said.By the way, I 'know' Teresa will be saying the 'I told you so's'. That is faith...Please log in to respond to this comment.Thank you for your comment... :-)Please log in to respond to this comment.
Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? Absolutely. Is it possible to be in love even when you're not 'in' a relationship. Yes. I'm no expert, but anything is possible in love. It's how you treat the people you love that matters. Love is always about respect and honesty, and sometimes it's about sacrifice too. The three points you make at the end are right on. Great article Christine.Please log in to respond to this comment.I agree 100% Brianna! Thank you for talking the time to read and comment.Please log in to respond to this comment.
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